Ok, first, I want to apologize. I got lazy. I need to rename this blog “Every other week I’m Tumblin’” because I have been bad about updating. I would like to say I’ve been super busy…but that’s a lie. I have been busier than usual, however, Diablo 3 came out, and I’ve seen a bunch of good movies, so that hasn’t helped. I was going to write a review of both, but nothing I could write would ever do either justice. All I can say is go see the Avengers and play Diablo 3, and if you say otherwise, you’re a turd. That is all.
Blizzard Hates You
Today I shall talk about weight loss and dieting. Why? Because tonight I ate an entire calzone and a giant piece of cake. Why do I do this to myself? Because I’m like a drug addict. My drug of choice is food. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of the lifestyle change I have incorporated and I work out like a fiend. I go to the gym five to six days a week for two hours or so. However, the reason I am not a golden god is because I have no self control.
Is It Bad I’m Hungry Just Looking At This?
As I’ve mentioned before, I spent a large portion of my life as a fat kid, but three years ago, I had enough. I joined a gym and started losing weight. Last week I went beyond my goal. The Doctor’s Association of Ridiculous Weight Goals tells me at 6’ tall, I should weight 185-188 as a broad shouldered human being with a penis. (I like to give my penis that three pound differential as I’m Italian, heeyyyooo). I weighed in last week after an intense workout and found myself at 183. Holy crap. I did it. After three years and 65 some odd pounds, I reached my goal. That’s impossible, I thought, I don’t have a six pack…I have a two pack…and I still need to lose the tub around my stomach. As my good friend Steve once said (as a former fat kid himself), “we wear that little extra weight as a trophy”. I carry around my first place belly with pride. For once in my life, and as much as I joke and complain about it, I’m happy with my weight. I don’t get winded going up stairs, I don’t need a water break to run a block, and I sure as hell don’t complain about having to carry heavy objects anymore. The lifestyle change I incorporated did wonders for my self esteem and health.
However, there is one thing I do need to change. My diet. I’m luckily blessed with the metabolism of a new born stallion, but I know that won’t last forever. I crave junk food. I love fast food. That’s not even a strong enough statement, fast food is my dirty mistress. Ronald McDonald is my lover and I his filthy crackhead whore. Slip me an angus burger and a few Mcnuggets and I’ll do anything. This needs to change. I want a six pack just to say I did it. I want to go to a Halloween party dressed as Ab Lincoln (thanks Ken). I love attention (duh) and dammit I want this. However, tonight, I ate an entire calzone and chocolate cake/ice cream. Really? Half of that was necessary. I feel like I’m going to die. I think I have a fever and I am going to occupy the toilet for about 15 hours tomorrow because of this. My body doesn’t like when I do this…so why do I?
Legit Threw Up in My Mouth. You’re Welcome.
A few weeks ago I turned down food my mother made and she said “What, do you have an eating disorder now?” I’m from a very Italian family that doesn’t believe in not eating to be healthy. If I went to my grandparent’s house today and didn’t have thirds, she would tell me I need to go to a doctor. The one thing going for me is my genes. My grandmother is one of 13 and luckily we all live into at least our 90’s with no history of disease or illness. With modern medicine the way it is, I plan to live until I’m 130, at that point I will have my consciousness implanted into a super being and will take over the world. But I have some time before that happens.
Like This But With Less Ponytail Penis
All in all I could be doing a lot better. I just need to adjust my diet and go with it. I just have no self control. I need to find a way to get that. I will go days eating healthy and working out. I will look great, and then Saturday hits and I’ll break down, go to McDonald’s and order a 20 piece McNugget ($4.99??? How can you say no??). It’s a vicious cycle, and one that I need to break. I wish I could eat vegetables. I have tried, and my body rejects them. It knows they taste like trash and I literally get allergic reactions. Don’t believe me? Next time you see me, give me a piece of celery and watch my lips blow up like I’ve eaten nuts (allergic!). I joke and say it’s because my body has been without them for so long…and it’s probably true. I read an article on “Super Tasters” recently which stated that some people taste certain things in foods that others do not, and that’s why I’m a picky eater (paraphrased, google it lazy). Maybe that’s it. All those delicious vegetables you eat really taste like crap because your palate isn’t as refined as mine :) Excuse me while I mow down on grade D meat…
They Eat Grass…We Eat Them…Did No One Watch The Lion King???