Before I start this blog, I want to make sure that everyone knows I’m making a generalized statement. I know not everyone that owns a truck or a large SUV is a raging douchebag. I have many friends that do, and they drive just fine. However, over my years of driving, I have noticed that a majority of the douchiest drivers are in fact, owners of large, ridiculous automobiles.
I don’t know what it is about people that drive land boats, but they are some of the worst people I have ever known. Not only do they think they own the road, they feel the need to ride people’s asses, cut me off, and park over multiple spots. Now I know I’m a bit bias, being a bit of an environmentalist myself, but I see very little need to own a Hummer, a Ford Expedition or a giant ass, four door truck. Most people that I see driving these do not know how to operate them safely and can barely see over the dashboard. I was at the gym last week and there is a spot for “compact cars only” and a Dodge Ram 1500 was parked right under the sign. Taking up a total of 3 spaces. What the hell. Where in their minds does it click that this is okay? Do they think they’re special because they drive giant vehicles? Does your 3.2 miles per gallon automatically give you special privileges to own the road? No, contrary to your own belief it does not.
Everyone Relax, I Own a Truck, Rules Don’t Apply to Me!
I am going to skip the obvious “You’re compensating for your small penis or canyon-esque vagina” joke because it’s been overdone. If you own a large vehicle for work, fine. Do you have three or four kids? Fine. Do you drive a giant SUV to hold all your guns, beer and confederate flags, because this is America and you think that giant eagle on your back window is cool? Not fine. Are you trying to show women how awesome you are with your fire decals above your wheels? Not fine.
Few things annoy me more than idiot drivers, but the audacity and stupidity that comes from people that drive giant vehicles amazes me. My personal favorite is when they tailgate you. I’m going 40 in a 35 and they tailgate. Why? Because if I slam on my brakes they will rip my car apart. But you know what, your ass is at fault. You should have to take a personality test to buy a large SUV or truck. If your white tank top to normal shirt ratio is anywhere off balance, no truck for you. If you own more styrofoam coolers than your local WalMart, no truck for you. If you are under 5’5” and need a booster seat to ride in your F150, no truck for you.
It’s Ok, I’m Festive!
Again, I know not every person who owns a truck is a douchebag, but 90% of douchebag drivers own trucks and SUVs. At least three times a week I look in my rear view mirror while driving to work to see the “Ford” symbol taking up 75% of my rear view mirror. I am not a slow driver and I never drive under the speed limit. But something about owning a truck/landboat changes you. Douchebaggery courses through your veins because you are the biggest thing on the road. I understand where you’re coming from. However, next time, after you put on your blazing white sunglasses and Tap Out shirt, take a moment to simmer down.