We can all relax, the Global Bacon Shortage is unlikely. Read here. However, don’t take it for granted, as prices still may go up. I still hold firm to what I sarcastically said. We, as true bacon purists, need to stop the insanity. No more bacon fad. No more 100 pound cheerleaders wearing I <3 bacon shirts. You don’t heart bacon. If you hearted bacon, you wouldn’t fit in that xxs baby tee. Poser.
Now that’s more like it…
Folks, we have a problem. A problem of dire consequences. Something so terrible, it may change the world. Woman will gasp, children will be beaten, and middle aged, single men everywhere will weep like acne ridden, overweight teenagers on prom night. My friends, I bring to you, THE BACON SHORTAGE.
I woke up yesterday to my Facebook news feed blowing up, people posting links to my wall of this inevitable bacon famine. England posted statistics I could not even fathom, about how droughts and some crap about corn was causing pig prices to skyrocket, and with it, a bacon shortage. I didn’t want to believe it. I started going through the five phases of grief. I was sad…I was angry…I didn’t believe it. Then I laughed about it, realizing that something would be done to halt this atrocity from making it to our shores. Then…it happened. I lashed out. The route of the problem came full circle and I realized who was to blame. You. Yes, you, you filthy, bacon hipster! Let’s sit back and take a moment to reflect on how you’ve all but ruined everything good in the world.
NO ONE TOUCH MY STASH!!!
As I’ve said many times before, I hate bacon posers. I grew up plowing through bacon like most kindergarteners plow through paste. I will dare to say no one loves bacon more than I, and I will be the first to defend my title against anyone. I enjoy bacon, nay I love bacon like a close friend. Then, slowly, it happened. The bacon fad caught on, and pigs were being slaughtered by the millions so people could create bacon cupcakes, bacon sundaes, and bacon flavored condoms. You sick freaks. You disgust me. Do you realize what you’ve done??? Bacon is NOT a renewable resource! At least not at the rates we are consuming it in this unholy fashion. While we waste pigs making pork, various Subway sandwiches, and pickled pig’s feet, I’m sure the bacon boom has all but ruined the market. We can’t keep up with it. While it was fine for a while, the inevitable drought or pig riot or whatever the hell was going to happen happened, and now we are all but screwed. Pigapocalypse is knocking at our doors.
Like This But Much More Delicious
While my lashing out will do nothing, we need to work together as a pig loving community to save this valuable resource. People, hear my call. When you get the urge to make cupcakes…just use frosting. There is no need to add bacon. When you want a chocolate bar, eat a goddamn Hershey bar. When you want mayonnaise…use Helman’s…don’t use baconnaisse. It isn’t worth it. I’ll be damned if I go to an all you can eat buffet and not be able to walk away with two heaping plates of breakfast bacon because some food snob decided to make a bacon cake. You sick freak. Join together people. Lets stop this madness and get back to our roots. Bacon is for topping burgers…and putting in sandwiches…and eating with pancakes. Stop it. Stop it before it is too late. For God’s Sake…think of the children!
***This blog was written as a joke, I know the facts and know that everything I wrote above is mostly pure BS. Still, you bacon posers make me sick***
Really?
As I’ve said before, I REALLY love bacon. However, bacon is a mainstream fad now and anybody who wishes to be anybody has jumped on the greasy bandwagon. Pigs across America have been screaming in horror at the things food companies have been creating to try and squeeze a buck out of the average bacon loving person. Bacon is everywhere: On T-shirts, bumper stickers, and even bacon based baby foods. What was once my thing has become a national fad. One with devastating results. Bacon has reared it’s delicious head in full steam, and what is about to follow will raise your cholesterol…behold my top three bacon atrocities.
3.) Baconnaise
What better to increase your caloric intake than mayonnaise. The creamy white stuff (teehee) has been slathered on everything from chicken sandwiches to pizza, and while I am not stranger to this wonderful concoction, I received a novelty gift for Christmas last year: Baconnaise. This slimy brown byproduct boasts the flavor of bacon, with all the spreadability and heart stopping power of mayonnaise. The website tells you to put it in your sandwiches, your salads, and your fish and fries! The most laughable part of this product is it’s labeled “vegetarian safe”. Back the truck up. Vegetarian safe? This is supposed to be a bacon spread! I tried to do some research on the ingredients and came up short. The link to “nutritional information” doesn’t work…funny enough, but they also claim it’s better for you than normal mayonnaise! What has this world come to??? I try and order a side of bacon and people want to put it in ice cream or add it to other meats! Leave it alone! Can’t the poor swine that died to make my delicious cured meat have a little dignity? I can imagine what qualifies this as “Vegetarian safe”. Did they sweep the puddles of pork juice off the slaughterhouse floor and add it to some vinegar and eggs? If I was that dead pig, I would fly straight down from pig heaven and haunt their asses.
2.) The Bacon Explosion
I’m not going to lie, as disgusted as I am by this thing, I admit I want to try it. Make sure to have a defibrillator handy because this thing is cooked death. Take a whiff of a fully cooked bacon explosion and you will get chest pains. Let’s take a look at what this abomination of meat includes: 2 pounds thick cut bacon, 2 pounds Italian sausage, 1 jar of your favorite barbeque sauce, 1 jar of your favorite barbeque rub. Oh my. The bacon is then threaded into a weave and wrapped around the sausage. After adding the sauce and rub, cook to your heart’s desire and add more sauce. By that I mean you’re gonna frigin die. I’m not one to stress eating healthy, hell, I ate at the mall food court tonight, but Jesus H. Christmas this is a one way ticket to the diarrhea express. Save yourself some time and slice off a piece, wrap it in Charmin and toss it in the toilet. Is there a such thing as too much bacon? Take a look at the picture. I never thought the words would ever come out of my mouth. You know the world is heading down a dark path when I of all people question bacon consumption.
1.) The BK Bacon Sundae
The King owes me. Of all the fast food restaurants, I enjoy BK the least. Their sub par burgers, their cold, thick, ass tasting fries. They never cease to disappoint me. Recently, after much controversy, The King came out and introduced the BK Bacon Sundae. Only 510 calories of creamy saturated fat! Why must you add bacon to ice cream? I don’t care what bacon posers say, it’s not good. Cured pork does not go with dairy. Unless it’s a glass of milk with your breakfast. Remember back in the good ol’ days when bacon was served with pancakes? Waffles? Eggs even? I know some people dipped their bacon in the syrup because they liked the salty sweet flavor. I never liked those people, but we had an agreement. They wouldn’t talk about it in front of me and I would never have to witness it. Now I drive past a BK and see a gigantic sign with a piece of bacon sticking out of a sundae. There it is, all cold and sad, shivering in the vanilla flavored slop that is fast food ice cream. What did that pig do to you King? WHAT DID THAT PIG DO TO YOU!!!??? How dare you take such a magnificently delicious creature such as the pig and toss it nonchalantly into your overly dyed vanilla byproduct. That pig died a noble animal, knowing that it would be enjoyed as the king of meats, only to be dethroned and humiliated. You know what else goes in your sundaes? Oreos. Reece’s Pieces. BUTTERFINGERS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! BUTTERFINGERS! No one likes Butterfingers! You have the audacity to casually toss bacon in your shake as if it were a mere Butterfinger??? Oh Hells Nah! One day King…one day. You’ll get yours. The atrocities you have committed shall be answered with swift justice. When this fad wanes and the true bacon lovers such as myself are left standing amidst the masses of 90% off bacon apparel, it shall come. The Baconing. You will answer for your crimes against the swine. Your floundering fast food empire shall become nothing more than a ghost town of dry chicken strips and slimy grilled cheeseburgers. You will rue the day you created this monster, and I will be right there, next door, in the McDonald’s drive through, ordering a cheeseburger. With bacon.
Down With The King!!!
There are very few moments of my life where I can look back and say “I am honestly happy. Everyday.” College was one of those times. I look back at those ridiculous times fondly and every day I wish I could go back. For those of you that went to college, you know the stereotypes, the jokes, and the idiocy that went on behind (and in front of) closed doors. In the following, I am going to tell you about a few rumors you hear about college, that happen to be true.
5.) You Will Gain Weight
People joke about the freshman 15 as the curse everyone endures just by signing up for classes. I’m not sure what it is, but the minute you walk into that cafeteria, your ass just expands. I don’t know if it’s the cooking lard, the never ending cheeseburgers, or the gallons of booze college kids drink every day, but you’re going to gain some weight. My freshman year I actually lost fifteen pounds, but that was purely because I did not have a constant access to cookies and saturated fat based treats as I did when I lived at home. Unless you were on a sports team (which I was not, unless Playstation has become an intramural sport as of late…) you find yourself playing video games, sitting around, watching tv and studying (ha!) Doing all those things is something that does not burn a lot of calories. I may have lost weight my freshman year, but dammit, it found me come Junior year. I also may have lost weight due to the cafe’s laxative based cooking oil that I swear gave the entire student body a fine case of the ass vomits.
Memories ::Tear::
You also have a lot more opportunities to eat. Everyone in college stays up very late, and most kids take up binge drinking like it’s a sport. The later you’re up, and the more inebriated you are, “Hey, lets order cheesy bread and buffalo wings” at 2am sounds. Not a good combo. The laxative food is not needed here.
4.) You Will Work a Shitty, Low Paying Job
Living on a campus is cool, but making money to support your new Ultimate Frisbee and beer swilling habits is hard. I went to college in New Hampshire, which pretty much is the south of the north. Most colleges also have something called work-study, which allows kids to get extra tuition money while working. Work study does not fall under the minimum wage laws. I worked two jobs while in college, one as a TA/lab assistant for my Archaeology professor and the second as a “chef” in the cafeteria. While I made $5 an hour as a TA, the cafe was where the big bucks were. My weekly 35 dollar paychecks weren’t cutting it, so I applied to be a chef. Hell, I knew how to eat the hell out of food, how hard could it be to cook it? I guess the screening process wasn’t to thorough, so I was hired for a cool $6.15 an hour. Rakin’ it in bitches! I made pizzas and mopped floors. The steam in the dish room caused me to not be able to breathe. Not sure why, but my boss laughed and said “it does that to everyone”. Safe. New Hampshire. I hated the job. I hated the job so much I slipped pepperoni in the vegetarian pizza. I’m not proud of this. The problem with college jobs is that you will work for someone who lives in a college town, who generally hates college students, and will go out of his/her way to make your life a living hell. The head “chef” was a fat, balding, dirty sack of fecal matter that used to stick his pudgy fat sausage fingers into the food and taste it. I was eating dinner on my break one day and he told me I was one minute late coming back. I don’t know why but that was the last straw. I called the manager of the cafe and quit that night. I would like to say I flipped out, I threw a pizza in his fat face or I took a dump in his stew…but no…I just kept the chef’s hat.
No, I Swear It’s Vegan…Hippie…
I hated that goddamn job, and that day marked the last time I would ever work in food service. I like to eat food. I love to cook food, just not in a cafeteria. Few things suck more than getting up on a Sunday at 8am to cook omelets en mass for hungover college kids. One of those things is getting your paycheck and realizing it’s not even enough to buy a case of Natty Ice (Yes, I heard that complaint in college, I do not know it personally as I would never drink that swill.) No I will not make you a lucky charms omelet you fat turd.
3.) You Will Experience Poverty
I heard a great quote the other day. “If you mix taco bell sauce into your ramen, it will taste exactly like poverty”. I laughed for a while then realized I, on more than one occasions, mixed the cheese sauce from mac n’ cheese into my ramen to change it up. While working in a work study program as I touched on before, you make very little money. Back in my day, I could get a half a tank of gas for five bucks. But that was an hours work. I then walked back to school, uphill, both ways in six feet of snow, wearing nothing more than a burlap sack. I kid. But seriously, having no money sucks. You find new ways to entertain yourself because you have no money. I think I watched the first two seasons of Family Guy 65 times. I can recite the entire script from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”. We played a lot of Ultimate Frisbee, and when we got bored with that, we invented new rules for it - like D.U.F.F. (Death Ultimate Frisbee). Mix the rules of Ultimate Frisbee and backyard wrestling and you get D.U.F.F. You also get a screwed up hip for the rest of your life, like myself. Life was tough my friends, but we got by. Now, I eat out once or twice a week, but back in college, going out to eat was like going on vacation. When we all got together to go to the 99, or dare I say it, Applebee’s if we skipped eating for an extra day, it was amazing. All you can eat riblets? DON’T MIND IF I DO!
Rue The Day!
People kid about all the ramen you will eat in college. It’s not funny, because it’s true. I only survived because of ramen, easy-mac and Wal-Mart brand Mountain Dew. A grilled cheese was like a fine steak. Senior year was my own stupidity. Someone found a loophole in the system. If you cancelled your meal plan, the school would write you a check for $2,000 or so. A bunch of us did that in September, laughing that we could make $2,000 last until May. We were broke by December. Never underestimate a college students complete inability to manage money.
2.) You Will Freak Out
I don’t mean the “OMG, my girlfriend just broke up with me” or “WTF, I failed the quiz” freakout. I mean the whole, “I am questioning my life, my major, my existence” freak out. The full blown, what the hell did I do freak out. Something is going to happen where you are going to be so upset you are going to regret going to college. You are going to regret your choice of major. You are going to regret everything. It is usually spurred from an academic failure. You flunk a class, you fail a giant paper, etc etc. But, I will tell you, it is because you are going to start to feel overwhelmed. Many of these freak outs come either Freshman year, or Senior year. Either because you were just thrown into something brand new, or because you think you didn’t accomplish enough or get good enough grades to make it in “the real world” (FYI kids, that “C” in Biology 101 isn’t going to keep you from getting your dream job). Let me tell you about my freak out.
Finally, It’s Everything I Hoped It Would Ever Be!
Without boring you with the details, I focused my degree in religion and mythology. Much to the annoyance of my professors, I managed to turn every paper into something mythology based. Senior year rolled around and I got to work on my thesis, in between video and card games. Ok, I waited until the last minute, but I work best under pressure! Anyways, I wrote my whole thesis and presented it to the three professors who I had chosen to be on my board. The history professor I had chosen, read it, looked at me and flat our said “This is completely wrong. This thesis, is wrong. Here are 25 books why your thesis is wrong.” I wanted to cry. I did cry. I threw a chair. I yelled, I gave up, I cried some more and I drowned my sorrows in easy cheese and Oreos. I had failed. For the first time in my life, I gave up…but that’s when I realized…
I’ll Tell You When I’ve Had Enough!!!
1.) You Will Make The Best Friends You Will Ever Have In College, And They Will Be There For You Whenever You Need Them
Token College Friends!….No Pun Intended!
I stormed back into my girlfriend at the time’s apartment, sulking and full of processed cheese. I explained what happened and that I had given up. I’d screw the thesis, fail, but I still had good enough grades to graduate. That’s when someone made a call to my old friend from Freshman and Sophomore year, who had transferred to another college by this point. Unbeknownst to me, he heard what had happened, gotten in his car and started driving. Two hours passed and the door swung open. “YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, YOU DON’T GIVE UP. NO ONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT MYTHOLOGY THEN YOU!” The rant continued for about ten minutes and we got to work. With the help of my friends, I used the books this professor had given me to prove me wrong…to prove him wrong. This plucky little Scottish bastard drove all the way up there and singlehandedly made me pass my thesis. Sometimes, all you need is a little help. You will learn that.
After college, a lot of your friends will move away, far away so that you can’t drive to see them. They will still be there. Especially today, with all the Facebooking and Tweeting you damn kids do. I can hang out with these friends and it’s like no time has ever passed. We may give each other crap, get married, have kids or do other adult stuff, but nothing ever really changes. I know I can count on all my college friends to be there for me when I need it. I love all my friends in their own ways, but why I think the ones I made in college were different is because we all but lived together. Hell, I did live with some. We saw each other at our best, our worst and all our inbetweens. Now who’s up for some Ultimate Frisbee?
This issue is near and dear to my heart. Ever since I was little, I loved bacon. One of my first memories as a child was pulling a temper tantrum on my grandfather because he only cooked half the pound of bacon. Bacon is not just a food to me, it’s a delicious way of life. I don’t mean to sound like a filthy, douchey hipster, but I liked bacon, nay, I loved bacon before it was cool. Throughout my life, I would tear up all you can eat breakfast buffets, school cafeterias and family member’s breakfast spreads just to get at as much bacon as I could. Screw the other foods. Pancakes? Keep them. Waffles? They only get in the way. Eggs? Only in a bacon sandwich. BLT? Don’t sully my meat product with your disgusting fillers. Back during my freshman year of college, my friends unknowingly all bought and cooked me a total of 5 pounds of bacon for my birthday. I ate it all. Bucket List. Check. I died a little that day friends, but it was worth it.
Over the past few years more and more people have embraced the warm delight of bacon. Bacon groups popped up on Facebook. Bacon parties and events were being thrown throughout the country. The fad was in full swing. People asked me if I loved bacon as much as they did. I laughed them off. Surely, they could not know that bacon and I were as tight as we are. “Of course I love Bacon,” I would say, “even my phone’s auto correct corrects the word bacon to have a capital B!” Do I love bacon?! Ha!
Then it happened. My sweet meat was being ruined all over the world. People were putting bacon in ice cream, in cookies, on VEGETABLE PLATTERS! What were they doing to my long time best friend??? I’m all about the enjoyment of bacon, but this was ridiculous. As a bacon purist, I believe bacon is good with three things: Sandwiches, pizza and more bacon. How dare they! A friend bought me a bacon chocolate bar. I graciously accepted thinking bacon could be good with anything. Come on people, it’s bacon. That’s like saying you can’t have sex with bacon! What? Anyways, I took a bite. What the hell. This…taste…so…strange. Thoughts poured into my head as my very existence was torn in half. Chocolate has always been a jealous friend of mine, living in bacon’s greasy, delicious shadow. It was time for chocolate to fight back. All I could taste was the salt of the bacon, crying for release. “Help me!” bacon muffled, covered in it’s chocolaty devious friend. Chocolate fought back, and it won. Chocolate killed bacon that day my friends, but at a very high cost. The chocolate was poisoned with the bacon’s salt and leftover flavor. My mouth in a tizzy, I didn’t know whether to spit it out, vomit or eat more. I ate more. I ate it until the package was empty. That was one of the saddest days of my life. That poor bacon died, it’s exquisite flavor extinguished by chocolate. Have you ever seen the famous dinosaur fossil of a Velociraptor and a Protoceratops locked in battle forever? It was like that…but the fossil tasted better.
The Velociraptor was the Chocolate
Bacon has exploded into pop culture in the form of t-shirts, bumper stickers, I <3 Bacon decals and other idiotic things. Have you seen the bacon and eggs Halloween costume? I did, 10 times last October. We get it, bacon is delicious, cut it out, poser. I’m a bacon snob, I know, but dammit, I earned that title. I will eat you under the table bacon poser…boser. If you ate bacon like I did, you wouldn’t be able to fit snugly into that size XS bacon graphic T. Douchebag. I <3 bacon? Of course you do! You don’t need a sticker to <3 bacon, it’s a way of life! That’s like saying, I <3 breathing! Or I <3 my ability to form and understand speech! Christ. Get over yourselves.
NO YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT.
I like my bacon plain. I like my bacon on a burger, or in a sandwich. But people are adding bacon to so many things nowadays they can’t even remember what bacon tastes like. To me, few things in life rival the pure euphoria of crispy, plain, cooked bacon. Sit me down in front of a plate of that and I’m in Heaven. I could (and probably will of said heart attack) die a happy man. Before you indulge in that bacon sundae, think of the poor pig that gave it’s life so you may enjoy it’s succulent flavor. That pig was murdered, bled and torn apart for nothing. Bacon doesn’t belong in ice cream. It belongs in your stomach, alone, because it is the king of foods. The food world is not a democracy, it is ruled by the iron fist of bacon, and he doesn’t share the throne with anyone. Each crispy bite like an echo of an angelic choir in your mouth. Don’t muffle that song with sadness.
