Well it’s been a bit, I’ve been super busy and I finally have a night to sit down and write.  I am dvr’ing the Voice right now so I can watch it commercial free later.  Eat it corporate sponsors!  I toyed with a few topics for the night, but I thought I would take the serious route.  Life’s been getting me a bit down lately, and I found myself, like many others, wishing they had a second chance on some things.  Ever wonder what would happen if you knew back then what you know now?  Jeez, would I make some changes.  For one, I’d totally stalk Danica McKellar, since her choice in men is clearly horrible, I would have had quite the shot.  But, alas, there is no reset button in life.  No matter how much we wish it, holding down that gray button on the old school Nintendo when you fail at something in life won’t make any difference.  Except when hunting ducks or dropping Mario in a pit on your last life.  Old Skool Nintendo represent!  So here’s a few things I’d change…

Kill YOOOUUUU!!!

Degree

I love my Anthropology degree, love love love it.  I know so much random crap about random crap, it’s stupid.  As I’ve said before, it’s a great conversation piece, and helps a lot while watching Jeopardy or the Discovery Channel with friends, but it hasn’t done two craps for me in my life.  Yes, having a degree has helped me get a good job, but if I actually focused it in something useful, I could be much farther in life than I am now.  I love computers and techy stuff.  That would have been great.  Politics, advertising, writing, hell even ::shudder:: business.  But, alas, 18 year old Greg really wanted to dig up ancient artifacts and talk about mythology in every goddamn paper he wrote.  I would go back and smack myself in the face and make myself change my major.  I could still study the stuff I loved, in fact I would probably know the same amount of stuff.  I just wouldn’t be mocked at job interviews EVERY GODDAMN TIME, when they ask what I was thinking when I got my Anthropology degree.  

My Nephew Majored in Anthropology…You Know Where He Is?  Dead.

Eating Habits

When you’re a kid, you are told to eat your vegetables, hold off on the cookies and not eat an entire pizza by yourself.  A pox on that my friends.  My eating habits are so terrible, the mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo would shake her head at me.  Dear young Greg: “Eat a goddamn salad you fat piece of crap, it won’t kill you.  No, it will not taste like delicious meat, but your colon and your heart need it.”  Changing eating habits at 30 years old is like detoxing.  You come to crave crappy foods.  If I have a rough day, I’ll be on a Hershey bar faster than a hormonal, emotional, stereotypical girl whose boyfriend just dumped her for a supermodel.  I love me some chocolate.  When faced with choices for dinner, I pick meat.  I don’t care how that meat comes, and my only decisions are chicken or beef, and “Can I put bacon on that”.  Living this lifestyle is rough, and I am making little changes to better my eating habits so my heart doesn’t explode in a blind ball of heated grease and fury.  It also requires me to work out two hours a night for at least four to five days a week so I don’t chub up again.  Each day I don’t stop at McDonald’s after working out for two hours is a small victory.  It’s like goddamn trench warfare, and my heart is getting boot rot.  That was gross, I’m sorry, I was trying to make a World War 1 reference.

Be Thankful I Gave You This and Not the Picture for “Boot Rot”

College

This is way different from my degree.  This is also the most important.  I would be set if I took the time to research college and how it would affect me in my future.  Firstly, I would not have went to a goddamn 110,000 dollar private school.  What the hell.  Student loans are the devil.  I am disgusted with how this country treats its newly crowned “adults”. Now I’m not saying people shouldn’t pay for school.  This is a huge debate right now, and I won’t go way into detail, but you know what would solve most of it?  Education.  When I was applying for colleges, my useless guidance counselor said, “yeah, this one’s good…go here”.  Stupid 17 year old Greg went “Yeah!  College!” and signed my life away.  Student loan companies circle innocent, idiotic 17 and 18 year olds like sharks.  They never explain, or at least they didn’t to me, what having student loans entail.  They never told me the breakdown, or what I would have to pay when I graduate, or that these bastards would be following me around like a mortgage for a long, loooonnnggg time.  If I could have a do over…just one, it would be for this.  The debate and problems in this country would be all but over if kids were just taught what it meant.  No one should trust a 17 or 18 year old with a decision like this.  It’s horrible.  The system is flawed and it has caused so much of the problems in this country right now.  Everyone deserves to better themselves, n matter their background, family, or past.  If someone wants to honestly give it a go, they should be educated on how.  Not thrown a bunch of paperwork from some smirking a-hole probably making 15 bucks an hour to lure teenagers to their financial doom.  I’m getting pissed off just thinking of it all again.  

Just Sign on the Line and Leave Your Balls at the Door!

Well, that’s my beef.  Could have…should have…would have.  Unfortunately, my friends, life does not have a reset button, or a redo, or a gentleman’s mulligan in mini golf.  I wish it did, but if wishes were like assholes, we’d all have the runs.  Ha, that was good.  Anyways, that’s that.  One day I’ll figure it out, until then, I’m stuck here, writing a semi-famous Internet blog for the masses, eating double cheeseburgers and telling stories of Greek gods at parties.  That’s right ladies, I’m single.  Come and get some.

File Photo

Ok, first, I want to apologize.  I got lazy.  I need to rename this blog “Every other week I’m Tumblin’” because I have been bad about updating.  I would like to say I’ve been super busy…but that’s a lie.  I have been busier than usual, however, Diablo 3 came out, and I’ve seen a bunch of good movies, so that hasn’t helped.  I was going to write a review of both, but nothing I could write would ever do either justice.  All I can say is go see the Avengers and play Diablo 3, and if you say otherwise, you’re a turd.  That is all.

Blizzard Hates You

Today I shall talk about weight loss and dieting.  Why?  Because tonight I ate an entire calzone and a giant piece of cake.  Why do I do this to myself?  Because I’m like a drug addict.  My drug of choice is food.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of the lifestyle change I have incorporated and I work out like a fiend.  I go to the gym five to six days a week for two hours or so.  However, the reason I am not a golden god is because I have no self control.

Is It Bad I’m Hungry Just Looking At This?

As I’ve mentioned before, I spent a large portion of my life as a fat kid, but three years ago, I had enough.  I joined a gym and started losing weight.  Last week I went beyond my goal.  The Doctor’s Association of Ridiculous Weight Goals tells me at 6’ tall, I should weight 185-188 as a broad shouldered human being with a penis. (I like to give my penis that three pound differential as I’m Italian, heeyyyooo).  I weighed in last week after an intense workout and found myself at 183.  Holy crap.  I did it.  After three years and 65 some odd pounds, I reached my goal.  That’s impossible, I thought, I don’t have a six pack…I have a two pack…and I still need to lose the tub around my stomach.  As my good friend Steve once said (as a former fat kid himself), “we wear that little extra weight as a trophy”.  I carry around my first place belly with pride.  For once in my life, and as much as I joke and complain about it, I’m happy with my weight.  I don’t get winded going up stairs, I don’t need a water break to run a block, and I sure as hell don’t complain about having to carry heavy objects anymore.  The lifestyle change I incorporated did wonders for my self esteem and health.

Hot

However, there is one thing I do need to change.  My diet.  I’m luckily blessed with the metabolism of a new born stallion, but I know that won’t last forever.  I crave junk food.  I love fast food.  That’s not even a strong enough statement, fast food is my dirty mistress.  Ronald McDonald is my lover and I his filthy crackhead whore.  Slip me an angus burger and a few Mcnuggets and I’ll do anything.  This needs to change.  I want a six pack just to say I did it.  I want to go to a Halloween party dressed as Ab Lincoln (thanks Ken).  I love attention (duh) and dammit I want this.  However, tonight, I ate an entire calzone and chocolate cake/ice cream.  Really?  Half of that was necessary.  I feel like I’m going to die.  I think I have a fever and I am going to occupy the toilet for about 15 hours tomorrow because of this.  My body doesn’t like when I do this…so why do I?

Legit Threw Up in My Mouth.  You’re Welcome.

A few weeks ago I turned down food my mother made and she said “What, do you have an eating disorder now?”  I’m from a very Italian family that doesn’t believe in not eating to be healthy.  If I went to my grandparent’s house today and didn’t have thirds, she would tell me I need to go to a doctor.  The one thing going for me is my genes.  My grandmother is one of 13 and luckily we all live into at least our 90’s with no history of disease or illness.  With modern medicine the way it is, I plan to live until I’m 130, at that point I will have my consciousness implanted into a super being and will take over the world.  But I have some time before that happens.

Like This But With Less Ponytail Penis

All in all I could be doing a lot better.  I just need to adjust my diet and go with it.  I just have no self control.  I need to find a way to get that.  I will go days eating healthy and working out.  I will look great, and then Saturday hits and I’ll break down, go to McDonald’s and order a 20 piece McNugget ($4.99??? How can you say no??).  It’s a vicious cycle, and one that I need to break.  I wish I could eat vegetables.  I have tried, and my body rejects them.  It knows they taste like trash and I literally get allergic reactions.  Don’t believe me?  Next time you see me, give me a piece of celery and watch my lips blow up like I’ve eaten nuts (allergic!).  I joke and say it’s because my body has been without them for so long…and it’s probably true.  I read an article on “Super Tasters” recently which stated that some people taste certain things in foods that others do not, and that’s why I’m a picky eater (paraphrased, google it lazy).  Maybe that’s it.  All those delicious vegetables you eat really taste like crap because your palate isn’t as refined as mine :)  Excuse me while I mow down on grade D meat…

They Eat Grass…We Eat Them…Did No One Watch The Lion King???

If you’re like 62% of America, you’re either overweight or in the obese category.  You dread that trip to the doctor where they strip you down to your skivvies and put you on that cold, metal, unforgiving scale…The doctor then scribbles “fatass” or something of that nature on your chart and gives you “the talk”.  Citing heart disease and other lovely risks of being overweight, you sit there and take it, promising to join a gym or eat healthier.  You then leave and hit the drive-thru.  Ah the good ol’ days.

I grew up as a fat kid.  Probably around third grade or so, when my grandmother would sit me down after school with a bag of Nantucket cookies and plop me in front of the tv for hours, I started gaining weight.  A healthy diet of cookies and no exercise will do that too you.  By fifth grade I was a certified fatass.  Running the mile in gym class took the entire 45 minute period, and I swear the only reason I finished was because lunch period was next…

3 years or so ago, I lost my job.  Back then I weighed 260ish pounds.  At 6’ tall, that’s not healthy.  No, it wasn’t muscle.  I ate like it was my job, on top of my horrible, stressful desk job.  I ate at fast food joints at least four or five times a week.  My insides must have pickled from the sodium intake.  Ronald McDonald personally owes me for putting his half clown mutant children through college.  I laughed it off at first when my friends started placing bets for when I would have my first heart attack.  Hooters chicken wing eating contest?  Count me in!  Five pounds of bacon for my birthday?? You shouldn’t have…but I can’t let it all go to waste!  Once I lost my job, I said “screw it” and joined a gym.  I saw two of my friends lose an extraordinary amount of weight doing so and followed suit.  I worked and worked, and after 9 months or so, I was down forty pounds.  I felt and looked great.  I was still overweight, but dammit I was making progress!  I think I was even down to a “B” Cup!

My diet has always been my downfall.  I am, and still am, the unhealthiest eater I have ever known.  I have cut my fast food intake down to once or twice a week. I love burgers too much to say goodbye for good. My diet consists of very few if any fruits or vegetables.  The ones I do intake are in juice form.  Not to easy to lose weight that way.  Now, three years later, I’m down 65 pounds from my original weight.  Go me.  I’ve tried so many diets, I lost count.  However, they are very limited since I’m so stubborn when it comes to eating.  I would rather put dirt on the end of my tongue than eat a piece of broccoli.  I work out 5-6 times a week for about an hour and a half to two hours a night.  Since the New Year, I’ve stepped it up and incorporated the Special K diet.  I know, it’s meant for women, but I’ve always loved Special K and so far, I lost five pounds doing it.

My weakness will always be candy and bacon.  But not candied bacon, cause that’s nasty.  Chocolate and I go way back.  I think of chocolate as that ex you stay up at night thinking about.  “Why’d you leave me, chocolate?!?!  Weren’t you happy with me???”, as I cry into my pillow.  I’m pretty sure I would take a human life for a 3 Musketeers bar right now.  Oh God, I want one so bad.  Focus.  Eyes on the prize.  I wonder what chocolate is doing right now.  It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from chocolate.  We had some good times, chocolate and me.  Sigh.

My ultimate goal is to have a six pack by the summer.  Not for vanity reasons, but just to say I did it.  I want to go to the beach and take my shirt off and not want to vomit.  I’m getting there…I have a two pack…and if I squeeze really hard (That’s what she said) I can see two more! I know I’m far from fat, but growing up as a fat kid, one has that mindset that no matter how much weight you lose, you’re still fat.  The one thing I am, is persistant.  If I say I’m going to do something, I do it.  Chocolate be damned.  I don’t mean that chocolate…call me?