Check out this awesome Jubilee my friend Greg from www.fiveanddimecomics.com did!!!  Paff!

It is very sad. Not the movie. Not at all…well the scene where Alfred either confesses his undying love for Bruce Wayne…or his loyalty…I don’t know, I was confused about that. I’ve never seen a heterosexual man break up before. What was sad was the ending of the Batman trilogy. I never understood why people stop at three. Only the good movies stop at three…while movies like the Fast and the Furious and Step Up! keep making horrid sequels that six people in the world keep dishing out 85 million dollars to see. Come on people, not even The Rock can make that trash watchable, and he can do no wrong in my eyes. Sidetracked…sorry. As we all know, I’m not a huge fan of DC. Eight eye gougingly horrible Superman movies and fun yet storyline lacking Green Lantern later, DC kept me going with the Batman movies. While I’ve never been a huge fan of Christian Bale, he did a marvelous job in the role and the movies were as intense as they were spectacular. Let’s see where this Batman fell in the good vs. bad.

Here Master Wayne…Have Another One…

The Bad

My biggest qualm with this movie was the horrible political overtone. Using the “Occupy” movement as a storyline…but not? I understood what they wanted to do there, but in my eyes, it fell short. However, no one ever addressed Batman/Bruce Wayne as a billionaire out of touch with the common man before. Hell, correct me if I’m wrong (and I probably am, as my DC comic knowledge is far inferior to my Marvel comic knowledge), but no one ever really challenged the whole “Batman is rich” thing. It was just accepted. Bruce Wayne made tons of money…so what? So does Lex Luthor. So does Angel. Hell, so does Iron Man. These super heroes/villains made their names/armor/super power strictly from throwing money at problems and no one ever batted an eyelash. How many times did the X-Mansion or Avenger’s tower blow up…? Meh, Worthington Industries got this ya’ll. Shit! Avenger’s Tower was just sucked into the negative zone! Tony! Write a check please! So while this was a stretch, it could have been handled better.

But Not My Wallet!  Teehee!

Another issue I had, which wasn’t huge, but it made it kind of funny in a “this shouldn’t be funny and it is not what the director is going for” kind of way was Bane’s voice. I’m sure you all heard it a million times, but Bane sounded like a cross between Sean Connery and a 1800’s English businessman. I’ve been talking like him ever since in casual conversation with my friends. I think I’ve used the line - “I was wondering what would break first, your ___ or your ___” in every situation possible. It was so creepy it was funny. I’m not sure if that’s how it was supposed to come across, but it did. I know Bane as a Spanish speaking huge ass villian, that pumps himself full of venom to get huge. None of that happened in the movie. I don’t know if I’m disappointed or impressed with the unique take. Either way, I’m keeping this in the bad category because there isn’t much else.

Yesh!  The Day Ish Mine!

The Good

Joseph Gordan Levitt. This man is amazing. Each movie I see him in he impresses me more. His subtle “Robin” role was magnificent, and he was such an integral part of the movie, without the audience even knowing it.   I still remember him from his “3rd Rock from the Sun” days…then he disappeared…only to resurface in 500 Days of Summer and GI Joe…and he was amazing.  Inception…wow.  I don’t even know what happened in that movie…except Joseph rocked my world and there was a top or something.  But yeah, this kid rocked.

Bane vs. Batman.  There wasn’t a lot of fighting in this movie.  I know a lot of you went, whhaaaaaattt!!!??  But compared to other super hero movies, there wasn’t. But that’s okay, because that’s not what Batman is about.  Batman is a goddamn detective people, he he detectived (?) the crap out of this place.  The fighting was amazing, and when Bane broke Batman’s back…chills (I WAS WAS WONDERING WHAT WOULD BREAK FIRST…YOUR BODY…OR YOUR SPIRIT!!!) YES.  Sorry, had to get that out of my system.  The fight scenes were so amazingly choreographed and beautiful.  The utter brawls between the two were glorious.  No CGI crap, no weapons.  Literal brawling.  Amazing.

Haaaa, I See What They Did There…

Catwoman.  Hot shit.  I never knew Anne Hathaway could act.  I didn’t see Brokeback Mountain but I heard she was great.  But my knowledge of Miss Hathaway is strictly from The Princess Diaries.  (Shut Up, I watched them for the storyline).  I thought she was just playing herself.  Anne did an amazing job portraying Catwoman, and being a Michelle Pfeiffer purist, she won me over with ease.  The little subtleties Nolan did to the costume were impeccable.  The cat ear eye piece…genius.  Anne Hathaway is my new favorite actress because of this movie.  She could literally come out with a new movie entitled “Anne Hathway taking a dump while reading the newspaper” and I would shell out fifteen bucks to watch it in 3D, because that would be the most riveting dump you will ever witness.  

Never Gets Old…

So, that’s my take on the new Batman.  Hopefully you agree, if not I’m sure I’ll hear about it.  I have yet to hear a negative review from someone about this movie.  Which is good, because it doesn’t deserve one.  While nothing will top the second Batman movie with the Joker (not the Penguin), this was a nice ending.  Kudos for Nolan for pulling an Inception of an ending…did he die?  Seriously…did he?  Please feel free to discuss, because I’ve been going over this since I saw it opening night.  Autopilot or not…six mile radius.  Bale should be a Bat smear on the ocean floor.

www.sadtrombone.com

Whew!  What a weekend!  Five and Dime Comics had an awesome time at the Granite State Comic Con!  We got to see our old friends, make new ones, and have dinner with our good buddy, the great Mark McKenna!  Keep an eye on this con fellow geeks, this one is going places!  Every year it gets bigger, and the store that runs it out of Manchester, NH (Double Midnight Comics) is just amazing.  I cannot speak highly enough of all of them.  I’ve never seen someone work harder and be more enthused about these events as the amazing workhorse that is Pat Covey.  Kudos my friend, spectacular job!  We even ended the weekend with a dinner of Shawarma, as seen in the Avengers…ew.  It probably would be good if the chicken I had wasn’t about a week old.  As with most cons, I spend little time at our table and out on the floor, spreading the good word of Five and Dime to the masses and sifting through comics.  This is my excuse to blow buttwads of money (I just made that up, I LOL’d) on old trades and indie comics.  The one that stood out the most was Kay and P, an amazingly done comic about a girl and her best friend…who’s a skeleton…who no one else can see.  I picked up every issue and blew through all of them in one sitting.  Check it out if you can, it gets five stars in my book.  I’m a stickler for comics, and this one has it all: Story, artwork, everything.  Do it now!  I’ll wait….

….

…

Done?  Ok, great huh?  I can’t wait for the next issue!  While at the con, I got to engage in many discussions about what comics are awesome and which suck.  While two people rarely ever agree, and many heated arguments ensue, there is a bond between comic fans that is indescribable.  The convention community is fantastic, and we have made so many friends over this past year.  So after all the arguments over the best comics, many people tend to not agree with me (Mainly about my love of Jubilee).  I can’t blame people for being wrong, not everyone can have such refined exquisite tastes as my own.  However, that leads me to this blog, here, in order, are my top five favorite series of all time…

5.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures

You Know They Enjoyed It

Now, I know, this book is for kids, and is nowhere as gritty as the original.  However, this was my first comic and I own every goddamn issue.  I used to go to the long dead Kay-Bee toys and pick up the issues every month.  Elementary school Greg LOVED the turtles, as any good child of the 80’s should.  This book got better and better, and eventually introduced one of my favorite comic characters of all time: Ninjara.  She’s a fox, and a ninja, and Rafael’s girlfriend.  Tell me she sucks, I dare you.  This comic also had every turtle character ever created that will live in my memory forever.  Wingnut and Screwloose, Cudley the Cowlick, Dreadmon (which I swear brought about my love of anything Jamaican) and Leatherhead (Ut!).  The stories were great, the art was great for a kid’s comic, and it just kept giving.  I have never seen a series do so much as this one.  There were no breaks.  Every issue had some gigantic event going on.  Aliens!  Inter-dimensional Travel!  Giant radioactive dragon!  This series was less a comic and more a kid with ADHD’s dream.  It was like someone threw up twelve stories and someone connected them into 30 pages.  If this comic was still around, I would still read it.  I have been reading the new turtles, and it is great, but nothing will ever be as good as this series…unless they bring back Cudley.  (Come on people, he was a giant inter-dimensional cow head!)

4.) X-Force

This is too Awesome for a Funny Caption

I’m not talking about the old 90’s version where every dude had pecs bigger than my entire body, I’m talking about the new version.  This comic is gritty, dark and tells an amazingly dark story of a band of anti-heroes that do what needs to be done.  I never knew of Fantomex before, but he has become one of my favorite characters in the X-Men universe.  I was never a big fan of Wolverine, but X-Force has definitely swayed me a bit in his favor.  The Dark Angel Saga was one of the best out there on the market right now, and the addition of Deadpool was hot (I know he’s a bit overdone, but he really shines in this book).  Where comics nowadays tend to be a bit more PG13 as it is, this one goes straight into the “M for Mature” realm.  There’s a lot of killing, maiming and maiming then killing, but it doesn’t overpower the story.  I was disappointed recently when they delved into the Captain Britain universe…but that’s just because I hate that character and anything to do with him.  That and the artwork was utterly horrendous.  I rarely comment on art, but this was just bad.  It looked like one of those “I’m drawing this poorly because it’s my style and it’s deep and unique” kind of things…but no.  Shut up.  Go back to art school.

3.) Cable and Deadpool

You Wish You Had This Much Guy Love!

Oh God, this book was hilarious.  I can’t say much more.  If you want a laugh, pick up the old trades.  Good lord, to see the interaction between these two completely different personalities was just awesome.  I was so sad when the whole “Hope” thing happened and Cable left…because it meant this book had to end.  Cable always acted like he hated Deadpool, but come on, they were like brothers.  They were always there for each other and Cable always had to put up with Deadpool’s wacky antics.  I can’t even begin to express how much of a Deadpool fan I am, but this book is what brought it all about.  It was always good for a laugh and the stories were very well written.

2.) Generation X

There’s My Girl! Paff! Bitches!

There’s Jubilee!  Not number one though?  Uh oh, that’s going to be one good comic if it stole the scene from my animated girlfriend!  Generation X not only had Jubilee, but it had a well written story, great art, and Banshee.  If you want me to buy your book, and it doesn’t have Jubilee in it, put Banshee in it.  I don’t know why, but I love that guy.  The story was a little hard to follow later on, but all in all it was good.  They introduced awesome new characters: Chamber, Penance, M, Husk and Skin, all of who are still around today (minus Skin, who got crucified or something…I missed that) This book stuck out so much to me because it came around during my early teen years.  A book about teenage mutant misfits kind of stuck out to me.  Plus I related to Mondo’s mutant power of being fat.  To this day I will still pull out old issues and read them.  Incorporating teen issues and X-Men rocked my world, and back in the day as an unpopular dork, this was my Melrose Place.  There have been many books over the years since this one that have tried to do the same thing…and were pretty good…but none ever compared to Generation X for me.  I’m not even going to bring up the horrible made for tv movie this series sparked…

1.) Exiles

I’m Getting Chills Just Looking at That Cover Again

There it is.  The end all give all for comics.  It was like a mutated Quantum Leap. Plus, it was done by Judd Winick and Mark McKenna, before I even knew who those two people were.  This book had EVERYTHING.  They plucked random mutants from alternate realities and sent them on missions to other alternate realities to fix the time stream and make sure these worlds kept on course.  Head explode yet?  The main cast kept changing every few issues which was crazy, but they kept a few of the mains around for a long time.  Blink, Mimic, Sabretooth, Morph and Nocturne were around for most of it and they just rocked.  One of the most touching moments for me in all comic history is when the female version of Sunfire was killed and Morph pulled her body out of the rubble.  That hurt.  Seriously one of the saddest moments ever.  The five on the team were “unhinged” from reality, and were promised they could all go home once their missions were complete.  Of course this ended up being a lie and it all went to crap.  The book started to go downhill later once when they chased Proteus across the multiverse and Mimic died…

This book stuck out to me for many reasons.  The concept was so goddamn unique.  They were also able to use a bunch of versions of characters from the Marvel universe that no one ever gave two craps about.  I cared about Morph!  I never liked Sabretooth, but this one was a good guy and from the awesome Age of Apocalypse universe!  Speaking of AoA, they brought Holocaust on the team.  This guy was always a bad ass to me and one of my favorite characters from AoA.  He was killed when an evil Hyperion cracked his shell…and snorted him.  You read that right.  I still shake my head when I think of that moment.  If you haven’t, check out this book.  The trades are cheap and make sure you get the early issues, especially the ones done by Judd.  That man is a true wordsmith.

Excuse Me While I Go Cry Myself to Sleep…

I have little to say about this arc.  So far it has been uneventful and disappointing.  All I can say is if Cyclops doesn’t die at the end of it, I may stop reading Marvel.  That’s a lie.  I love Marvel.  But Cyclops still needs to die.  If anyone is a bigger douchebag in the Marvel universe, I have yet to see him/her. 

Reasons Why Cyclops Sucks:

Your first wife died and you did nothing to even remotely try to save her.

 She loved a short, hairy Canadian with a drinking problem and an outdated catch phrase more than you. 

Seriously, he wears plaid shirts.  Al Borlean stole your girlfriend/wife.

You have no personality or charisma yet you lead a team of super heroes.  No wonder the world hates you and your “people”.

Your second wife cheats on you with a dude that smells like canned tuna.

Your optic blast is the stupidest mutant power and does nothing.  You continuously get the snot beaten out of you.

Your ruby sunglasses are dumb.  Stop wearing them.

You can’t even make a jet pack look cool.

If I had a nickel for every time you yelled JEEEAAANNNN! in the 90’s cartoon, I’d be a fucking millionaire.

You optic blasted Captain Fucking America for no good reason.

In the Age of Apocalypse, where everybody looks and acts more badass, you have a look that is reminiscent of Kris Angel and Justin Beiber.  With one eye.  Douche.

Your own son despises you.

You refused to let Deadpool join the X-Men, probably because he is ten times cooler than you.

You whine about EVERYTHING.  Professor X should have mind melted you back in the 60’s when he had that weird crush on Jean Grey when she was 15 and he was like 70…but anyways, he probably would have stole her from you too.

You suck.

I’m sorry, I really hate Cyclops.  Jubilee is ten times better. 

Nuff’ Said!

Hello Faithful Readers!

Come visit Five and Dime Comics this weekend at the Hynes Convention Center in Boston, Ma at the Boston Comic Con this weekend!  Mention my blog and get a free print of your favorite strip!  Do your favorite Tumblr a favor and go like their Facebook page?  For me, please?  Hope to see you all this weekend!

It’s geek week!  In correspondence with my good friends at Five and Dime Comics, I am going to keep the party going in the best way I can, ridicule and name calling!  The word geek is thrown around so much lately, especially with the new found fad of being a geek, which I touched upon in a previous post.  However, many people are ignorant to the fact that there are many kinds of geeks.  “But that’s impossible!”, you may say, “I’ve seen many a mouth breather, Greg, and they’re all the same!”  Nay! Faithful reader, you have much to learn.  There are geeks, dorks and nerds, many of which have their own subcategories.  I myself am a geek, and have been since I was a wee little sexy GPete.  Here are my top three favorite types of geeks:

3.) The Internet Geek

But Moooooommmm, he made fun of my Night Ellllffff!!!

This can break down into many subclasses, but I will make a generalized topic for you, so you don’t get to overwhelmed.  The internet geek is that person that hides behind a computer screen, talking in 1337 speak, peacocking around the internets to make up for everything he or she lacks in life.  This geek can be a dangerous one, as they have a tendency to take out their own life follies on the less fortunate online.  While most geeks are witty and smart, they lack the social skills to take advantage of that in the real world.  Hiding behind a keyboard helps with this, and lets the internet geek run free in the wild fields of the world wide web.  This geek trolls around forums, on World of Warcraft and other online games.  You can spot this geek making Chuck Norris jokes in the Barrens chat, or being the first one to point out your DPS is shitty compared to his 1337 facerolling hunter.

I Also Did Your Mom…Just Sayin’

This geek will take any advantage of the other feeble quiet geeks online who have yet to embrace the online douchebaggery.  These geeks are the elite football players of the internet.  While they endure the same pants ripping wedgies at school as normal geeks, they take their frustrations out online, making other people feel as shitty as they do.  This is a dangerous geek that other geeks often look down on, because nobody likes a troll.  Remember that, you acne ridden freak when you wake up sobbing in your crisco soaked pillow.  Your DPS may be better, but you will never touch the warm flesh of a female body. 

Psh, Who Needs the Prom, I Can Slow Dance with My Desktop N00b

2.) Card Game Geeks

This is Funny on So Many Levels…Although 4 Power is a Bit Much…

This is one of my personal favorites.  I’ve played every card game under the sun competitively, even Yu Gi Oh!  I know, I’m just as ashamed.  I revel in competition, and this is where it’s at.  Card game geeks are mostly nice people that are always willing to give you a pickup game.  When you play competitively, you find the ones that are too good for their own good.  They start to dwell in the Internet Geek range, and many of them double dip.  I like card game geeks because, while elitist, they are always willing to lend a hand and engage in a hour long geek conversation, even if it is to explain to you how shitty you played and why they are better than you. 

JUST ATTACK ME!!!

These geeks do love a good game, and they are fierce.  I’ve made many friends in this circle of geeks, but there are a select few that are just terrible people.  Depending on the game you play, you get a bigger range of people.  I used to be a Gym Leader for my local Pokemon league when I was 16, and I look back at that time fondly.  I taught so many kids how to play and I loved it.  Card games help kids that otherwise have a hard time making friends have a gateway to a group.  Just don’t be a douchebag.  I’m just saying. 

1.) Comic Book Geeks

Worst. Stereotype. Ever.

Aaaahhh my all time favorite.  There is honestly nothing bad I can say about this kind of geek.  They are some of the friendliest, nicest people I have ever met.  My best friends are comic geeks, and while I pale in comparison in comic knowledge, I like to think of myself as a comic geek.  A comic geek is someone that is very passionate, and will have discussions about stories, arcs or characters for hours.  Debating comic books is once of my favorite past times.  Debates such as whose power is shittier?  What is better, Marvel or DC? (Marvel) and why does everyone hate Jubilee? run rampant in comic stores and parent’s basements across the world.  The comic geek has become the most well known geek as of late, with super hero movies being cranked out faster than Wolverine titles.  While many comic geeks are not too happy with this, I embrace it.  Let the normal people have fun with it, maybe then our kind will find acceptance.  Once day we will be viewed as gods!  Not En Sabah Nur gods, but still! 

Research Was Clearly Not Done Since They’re Buying an Issue of Red Robin…

All in all, geeks are good people.  Deep down they’ve been made fun of, tormented and wedgied just like all of us.  Before you knock it, try it.  If all you’ve ever known in life is football, beer and women, pick up a comic, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Everyone has a vice, and comics are just that.  I look forward to Wednesday every week.  (New comic day to all you non-geeks).  It breaks up the week and makes the day even more special.  So next time you’re about to make fun of that acne ridden mouth breather, take a deep breath and try talking to them.  Everyone has a little geek deep within them, and I don’t mean Ant Man, heeeyyyooo. 

Damn Bubbles!

Everyday is the fourth of July.  You could have every day off from school or work if Jubilee was president.  Wanna go get dinner?  Boom fireworks.  Bad day at work?  Boom fireworks.  Stuck in a two hour traffic jam?  Boom fireworks. Find me one person that doesn’t enjoy a good fireworks show, and I show you a terrible human being.  But no, you, faithful reader, much like 90% of the comic fans of the world, hate Jubilee.  For no good reason.  There are a certain number of comic characters that have been created where the writer was just bored, insane or just had a bad day and wanted to take it out on the world.  M.O.D.O.K., Mole Man, Stilt Man and any character that was in Spider Man: Maximum Clonage are just a few off the top of my head.

Why Do You Hate Us???!!!

Geeks are ruthless.  They have all this pent up hatred from living sheltered, torturous lives and they take it out on any poor unfortunate outlet they can find.  Be it online gaming, message boards or innocent comic book characters, many have been the victim of nerd rage.  Jubilee has been a victim too many times, and in my mind, it has been totally unwarranted.  I can see why.  You’re jealous.  You wish you were/was going out with a hot girl who hangs out with the X-Men who can shoot goddamn fireworks from her hands.  Her best friend is Wolverine for Christ’s sakes!  But no, instead of embracing her for the awesome character she is, you hate her and make crappy, slanderous posts in anonymous message boards about her.  Plus she’s the only Asian comic character that isn’t in some way a ninja!  Jubilee: Breaking Stereotypes!  Much to your chagrin, she’s here to stay…and now for all eternity (more on that later).

When I was in elementary school, I saw Jubilee in the X-Men cartoon and instantly fell in love.  Don’t laugh, all you fellow geeks had cartoon crushes too.  I’ll be so bold as to tell the Internet community I also had a crush on Gadget from Rescue Rangers.  Hey!  The 9 year old mind doesn’t grasp adult concepts okay?

WHY DOES THIS EXIST AS A THING!!!???

So Jubilee and I were tight.  She got me to read more X-Men comics, which is a plus, which further delved me into geekdom.  Soon, I was reading and watching Spider-Man, and various other Marvel titles.  The rest is history.  Many people laugh at Jubilee’s power, but dammit, if someone attacks me, I’d rather be able to shoot fireworks in their face than be ugly and fat(Blob), have a gross long tongue and a spinal issue(Toad) or be an uptight clown who shoots lasers out of his eyes, doomed to a lifetime of being called four eyes(Cyclops).  So think before you make fun of Jubilee, if could be a lot worse.  Christ, you could be Boom Boom.  What the hell is that?!  Make an older, skankier version of Jubilee and put her on X-Force???  Yeah that panned out well.

“I’m Goin Ta Tha Store For Some Scratch Tickets and Depends…Anyone Need Anythin?”

My love for Jubilee never waned, and soon, the X-Men video game came out on PS2 and she was voiced my none other than Danica McKellar(Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years), my lifelong crush and future wife.  She doesn’t know it yet, but it’ll happen.  We all know that’s why I’m really single.  I’m saving myself for her.  I will be the Kevin to her Winnie.  Math is sexy, Danica, you can teach me long division any day.  I digress.  Anyways, Jubilee soon lost her powers in the comics to M-Day.  I was devastated.  How dare they!?  Toad still kept his Goddamn powers.  While she remained in the background, she would make the occasional guest appearance and they even did a very heartfelt story on her, post power loss.  I could live with it.  But soon things took a turn for the worse.

I Know My Calculus, It Says U + Me = Us…

One day, the Marvel writers woke up and collectively said, “how can we steal more money from our 75% male audience?”  One guy raises his hand and says, “Let’s cash in on Twilight, boys ages 8-15 like that right?!”  ::Applause::  The X-Men vs. Vampires story was born.  I will cut the explanation of what happened, but in short, Cyclops is an asshole and Jubilee was turned into a vampire.  If the world didn’t hate the poor girl enough, now the males of the comic world had that against her.  If there is one thing male comic fans hate, it’s Twilight.  Jubilee + Twilight = The Comic Apocalypse.  Poor Jubilee is doomed forever to be a blood sucking vampire, shunned by her comic friends and geeks everywhere.  But you know what?  I’ll still stand up for her.  She may not be able to shoot fireworks from her hands anymore, but goddamn it, now she’ll snap your neck and drink your innards.  I feel bad for Jubilee and I don’t understand where the hate comes from.  Maybe it really is jealousy.  I’ll go with that.  I would be jealous too.  Damn, I want to hang out with the X-Men.  Jubilee has saved their asses on many occasions too!  The girl has pulled her weight!  She was one of the founding members of Generation X!  That even got a tv movie made of it!  I know..it was horrible.  But back when it was made, comics were still considered anticulture, unlike today where they bust out a new comic movie every three months.  Thank you Jubilee for the upcoming Avenger’s Movie!  I don’t care what you say, I stand by my comic girlfriend.  You can have your Wolverines and Iron Men and Captain Americas.  I won’t sell out, Jubilation Lee is the one of the best damn X-Men ever created!

Yeah, You Wouldn’t Mess With Her Either…