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Ex Umbris

Wed, 15 May 2013 08:02:19 -0400

Ex Umbris is a story that follows Arro, an angel of death tasked with bringing a small girl’s life…

My Book’s Facebook Page! Hello all! I need 25 more likes and I will be running a contest! So if you haven’t yet, come like my page and tell your friends! My book is also available on all ebook platforms (Kindle, Nook, IBooks, Sony, Etc)

Sad Cat Diary

Tue, 14 May 2013 21:17:21 -0400

Sad Cat Diary:

The diary of sad cats everywhere :( Music : http://bit.ly/1479bzw Inspired by : http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/the-best-of-first-world-cat-problems (i am…

This is probably the funniest thing I have ever watched!

Check out this awesome Jubilee my friend Greg from...

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:36:11 -0400

Check out this awesome Jubilee my friend Greg from www.fiveanddimecomics.com did!!! Paff!

For Boston: My Home

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:23:00 -0400

For once in my life, I was speechless. I sat at work while news poured in through social media and the radio. Rumors and half truths kept coming and going. No one had any idea what was going on. I complained that morning that I had to work as a few of my friends headed into Boston to see the marathon and pub crawl. The first thing that struck my mind was a frantic thought if they were safe. Cell phones were spotty as the towers were shut down. I luckily heard from all my friends as the text messages and facebook messages came in. Some of my friends were near the blast, some were far from it, but the impact hit the entire city and the outlying areas immediately. The part I will never forget is the panic and confusion. As I watched the videos and looked helplessly at the still pictures online, I just felt confused.

Why Boston? How could it be Boston? Boston is the safest place ever! Nothing bad ever happens in Boston! Words that I believed for my entire life. Words that are no longer true. It feels different. Over the course of the years, I watched countless tragedies happen in the US. The Oklahoma City bombing while at Easter at my grandparents house in Florida, the Columbine shooting while eating breakfast before school. 9/11, safe from my dorm room before my “Experiencing the Arts” class in college. Each and every horrific event I watched calmly and stoicly from a distance, feeling terrible and scared for the victims…but sadly enough, it was like watching a movie…it was unreal…it was so far from me. This event, while nowhere near the scale of 9/11 hit me even harder. While I am lucky it did not directly effect anyone I know personally, it happened in my home. MY HOME. Some god-awful dirtbag decided to bomb the Boston Marathon. Somewhere in his or her twisted mind, this seemed like a good idea to make a statement, or whatever the reason may be.

The Boston Marathon, to me, is Boston’s greatest celebration. It ranks up there with the Pops, 4th of July, and First Night on New Year’s Eve. The Boston Marathon isn’t just a race. It isn’t just a party for people to stumble around Boston with their friends and make asses of themselves. This is why I was so confused. The Boston Marathon is an event that brings people together. Not just from Massachusetts…not just from the US, but from the whole world. Contenders from over 30 countries and all 50 states travel to this event to compete, to watch, and to have fun with their families and friends. For someone to hinder and devastate such an event is an atrocity. It is not a political statement, or a social outcry. It is downright evil.

Now the rebuilding begins. Families mourn, friends comfort each other, and total strangers show why being human is the greatest gift we can receive. Sadly, it takes an event such as this to show the kindness and extraordinary charity we are capable of. Strangers offering their homes, runners donating blood after running 26 miles, and the bravery of the police, firemen, national guard and witnesses are brought to light. Support and well wishes from cities and countries far and near poured in. The anger soon set in as people want answers. They want a face to place this disaster on. Boston is a great city, and it’s people are hard. We will get through this. I look forward to the Boston Comic Con this weekend at the Hynes Convention Center. I will make my way into the city, through heightened security, bag checks, and delayed T trips to the best convention the East Coast has to offer. I was questioned today as to whether I would be attending or not, and when I answered yes I received a shocked look of disbelief. Damn right I will be attending. I don’t care, and that is one step we all need to take. Stand up, and don’t let the people wanting to interrupt out way of life win. The term terrorist is used a lot. Many people automatically assume and think of Middle Eastern terror groups…which bothers me to no end. A Terrorist is someone who spreads fear, terror if you will, by any means, and wishes to interrupt the normal flow of society. We, as a people have a choice. We can be afraid, we can hide, we can stop our hobbies and careers and live in a state of not knowing what will happen. Or, we can go about our business, because that is what the people that cause disasters like this don’t want happen. I for one, refuse to let that happen.

With that, I have to say these last two days have been sad. It is the best word I can describe them as. I watched the video over and over. I watched the poor old runner fall as the shockwave from the explosion hit. I watched the military personel and police lift guardrails and flags off bodies. I saw the blood drenched sidewalks. I saw pictures of amputees. I saw a picture of the poor 8 year old boy whose life was taken far to early. However, the one thing that hit me the hardest, the one moment that struck a deep cord inside me was right after the blast. As the explosion happened, a solitary yellow balloon was let go and drifted into the air as the smoke rose from the sidewalk. As it drifted into the air, people screamed and ran. As the yellow balloon drifted higher and higher, panic struck, confusion and fear took hold, and Boston would never be the same. Any sense of normality and calm disappeared from our city as that single yellow balloon vanished in the sky.

I’d wear the crap outta this.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 09:53:32 -0400

I’d wear the crap outta this.

Check out this amazing matte painting my friend did for the...

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 22:28:13 -0400

Check out this amazing matte painting my friend did for the cover page of my book’s Facebook page!

Interview: Omega Level

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 11:50:04 -0400

Happy Saturday Faithful Followers!

Come read my interview with Omega Level!!

http://www.omega-level.net/2013/03/15/interview-gregory-peterson-ex-umbris-step-into-the-light/

It Hit the Kindle!

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 20:40:58 -0400

My book is officially up for sale in the Kindle Store! Go get yours now for $1.99!! Seriously, only 1.99…you can’t even get a happy meal for that!

http://www.amazon.com/Ex-Umbris-Step-Light-ebook/dp/B00BSEHN20/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1363135165&sr=8-4&keywords=ex+umbris

Ex Umbris

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 12:17:46 -0500

Hello!

I wanted to let everyone know my first novel has been published! It is called Ex Umbris: Step Into the Light, and it will be hitting e-book stores (kindle, apple, sony, nook, etc) in the next week or so. In the meantime, you can follow me and it on the facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/ExUmbrisBook

Thanks for all the support!

Mama! Review!

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 23:07:50 -0500

Sorry it’s been so long faithful readers! I’ve had so many topics I’ve wanted to blog about with no time to do it. I’ll keep tonight light and easy as I have wanted to do another movie review, and I’m away for work and typing this up on my laptop…

I saw the movie: Mama the other day, and after seeing the previews and hearing some hype, I was pretty excited to dive into a fluff piece PG-13 horror movie. It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a good horror movie, so I had high hopes for this one.

Before I get the review started, I want to touch about something. The producer of this movie is Guillermo Del Toro, resident creature creator and all around jolly dude. I can’t call this guy one of my heroes, but he’s an all around genius when it comes to creature creation. This man knows creepy ass creatures so well, when he farts it sounds like a girl shrieking. It takes a lot to get me freaked out at a movie, and Mr. Del Toro wrecked me with Pan’s Labyrinth, one of my favorite movies of all time. That weird ass eyeless, uncircumcised penis of a monster in the dining hall ravaged my psyche like no other creature I’ve seen in a movie before.

“Pants-Crappingly Creepy Since 2006”

That being said, while Mama was not a terrible movie, Guillermo Del Toro putting his name on it was like me producing The Scorpion King and giving it my mythological stamp of approval. Maybe he just needed a paycheck? Maybe he honestly thought it was a good idea. I won’t even attempt to understand how the man thinks. That being said…here we go.

“Safety”

Mama…any movie with children doing creepy things is an auto creep out for me. So it had that. The small girl who played the little sister was a masterpiece. Either this girl has more acting talent than half of Hollywood at age 4, or the bitch needs some serious mental counseling. That being said, the horror ended there. I didn’t openly laugh at the movie, and the acting wasn’t terrible…it just wasn’t…believable? I guess that’s the word. Without ruining the “plot”…something happens where the dad kills the mom and a bunch of people, kidnaps the kids and goes on an Oxycontin fueled drive through the snow off a cliff. The come out unscathed (?????? seriously the car careened off a cliff), and they take up residence in a house that screams “I’M FUCKING HAUNTED DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” The dad makes the abrupt decision to murder his kids. The crazy ghost lady doesn’t like this and eats the dad’s neck. Go ghost lady.

“Copyright Infringement”

The kids are rescued by their uncle who hires a team of hicks to track the kids down. After five years (and his entire savings) he completes his task and adopts them (much to the chagrin of the evil step aunt or something???) Uncle Man Child and his punk rocker girlfriend adopt the kids and move to the country free of charge through the kid’s psychiatrist. Creepy stuff happens because obviously the Ghost Lady (who is obviously a crazy dead mental patient with moth powers) follows them home. She tosses the Uncle down the stairs putting him in a coma and leading the girlfriend to shed her crazy tattoo’d ways and take care of the girls herself. I call BS here. Everything leading up to this moment showed this girl peacing out at the first sign of trouble. Nope, and it was actually kind of touching. She had a lot of tender non creepy moments with the girls.

“Don’t Google Image ‘Creepy Mom Moments’”

Everything from here is pretty predictable. People die. The girls fight with everyone. The epic showdown with “Mama”…dead baby and all. I don’t even know. The plot just sort of gave up by this point. The family is torn apart…and without giving away the ending, Mama was not happy and there was no happy ending….especially for the dead baby.

“How Do You Make a Dead Baby Float?”

I want to reiterate, this movie was not bad. But it wasn’t good. Would I tell someone to skip it? No, I was entertained throughout the entire movie, and it definitely was not A TRAP! However, the digital graphics were pretty lame and seeing what Guillermo Del Toro did years previously, this was a big disappointment for me. I’m pretty sure the graphic artists got drunk and drew mama on Microsoft Paint. If someone actually invested some money in the movie, it would have been 100 times better. However, in typical Hollywood fashion, they threw 15 mil at the movie, recouped the entire thing in the opening weekend, and laughed all the way to the bank.

Final Grade: B-

Political Rant 2.0 (I'm Sorry!)

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 21:33:21 -0400

Hello faithful readers! I was going to do a movie review…but there’s been way to much going on. Enter: Political Rant 2. I apologize ahead of time. A lot of things have been said and done over the past few weeks, and as the election draws closer, it seems some people have gone off the deep end. You can imagine who these people could be…

What has one of the major topics been over the past few weeks? The economy? Nope. The wars in the Middle East? Nope again…Tagg Romney’s gross rapist eyes and face? Close. Rape. Abortion. Religious Right. Come on America.

I see these stuffed shirt, white men go on stage and make ridiculous claims about rape. Let’s take a look at some of these now viral quotes these morons have said.

Richard Mourdock: “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God,” Mourdock said. “And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” - CBS News

Todd Akin: “legitimate rape, the female body has ways” to prevent pregnancy. - Gawker.com

These are just a few. I could write a book on stupid Republican quotes, but that’s not why I’m here. First, I want to point out how incredibly wrong all of these statements are. However, anyone with half a brain and a high school health class under their belt could point that out. Second, why is this even being brought up? Better yet, why are these people in positions of power that allow them to make decisions about female bodies? Is this a third world country? 1692? The Matrix? Why in God’s name do they think this is okay? I grew up Catholic, and as many of you know who have read my past blogs, I have studied religion. No where have I seen in the Bible where God says “Thou shalt keep thy rape baby if thy gets raped, intentionally or not” It must be there right next to “Thou shalt not feed the poor, protect thy planet for whilst I have bestowed upon you, for that is Socialism, and Socialism is the devil’s work.” What is unintentional rape anyway??? If these backwoods morons actually read the Bible, their ideals they hold firm to would be thrown out the window. You do know Jesus was a brown skinned socialist who offered free healthcare to the poor, right? RIGHT? Seven people reading this just called me a communist.

Which brings me to another point. I was at the gym the other day, and to get fired up, I enjoy watching Fox’s “The Five” because I work out harder while pissed off. The morons used the word Socialist and Communist over ten times in fifteen minutes. I hear these words being thrown around by my right wing friends. My favorite thing to do is ask them what this means. Not once have I gotten a straight answer. Let’s go to dictionary.com shall we?

noun

a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.

procedure or practice in accordance with this theory.

(in Marxist theory) the stage following capitalism in the transition of a society to communism, characterized by the imperfect implementation of collectivist principles.

Hmm…that doesn’t sound evil. I’m pretty sure no one died from that. No countries were ever lit on fire and dropped into the pits of hell for helping their fellow man…have they? Let’s keep going…

noun

a theory or system of social organization based on the holding of all property in common, actual ownership being ascribed to the community as a whole or to the state.

( often initial capital letter ) a system of social organization in which all economic and social activity is controlled by a totalitarian state dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party.

( initial capital letter ) the principles and practices of the Communist party.

Looks good on paper, right? That’s what the Soviets thought too…then they remembered they were human. The majority would all love to live in a truly Communist society. Everyone gets their fair share! People help each other! Egalitarianism! It worked for thousands of years with Native American societies! Again, we’re human. I don’t see anything in Obamacare that causes any of these things. God forbid poor people get the healthcare they need. God forbid crooked insurance companies aren’t able to deny preexisting conditions. God? God forbid huh? Show me where God says anything about denying your fellow man what is best for him. Show me where he says to let your fellow human being die because you can’t stand the government spending an extra buck. Keep throwing that 2 million dollars at the military though. We can kill our way out of war and disease! GOD BLESS ‘MERICA!!

DIABEETUS TOOK MAH JEEERRBBBSSS

I got off topic. ::Sigh:: I always do this. I was going to stick to the rape quotes. I swear I was. It’s infuriating. 2012. That is the year we are living in, and people are denied basic rights and healthcare in “the greatest country in the world”. People look at this election as the end all, give all. Whoever is elected will shape this country. We will either go forward, or back to the 1600’s. Not true, kiddies. Here’s what you should be focusing on. The Senate. Right here in Mass, we are having a doozy of a battle between Elizabeth Warren (D) and Scott Brown (R). A democrat controlled house can block a Republican Agenda…and vice versa. For ANYTHING to happen going forward, be it good for bad, we need unity. We can’t have what we have today. We can’t have these whack job tea partiers blaring their horns and blocking everything Obama has done. Do you know how much legislature they have blocked that he has put forward? Here’s One. Another. More? Why Not? Anything to make the American public pay for electing a Kenyan born socialist. Am I right? Donald Trump thinks so. He wagered 5 million dollars against it, giving Obama the impossible act of gathering personal documents that take months to obtain in one week. Have you ever tried to obtain a college transcript? It’s hell. Not only did he make the right wing idiots of this country believe Obama was withholding more documents proving HE IS A FUCKING LEGAL CITIZEN YOU TOOTHLESS BACK YOKEL INBRED HICK! He also hung 5 million dollars over a charity over President Obama’s choosing.

“Sorry little Johnny, but your cancer treatment can’t be completed because we ran out of money…if the President wasn’t an illegal immigrant…we could have paid for it.”

Ok, I’m almost done, I swear. Infuriating. You want to know what my beliefs on rape are? Who should be able to get an abortion if they wanted one? It doesn’t matter, because I’m a goddamn dude. I don’t get a say. Neither do you Todd Akin, Paul Ryan, Govnah R-Money. None of you do. Land of the FREE assholes. Concentrate on what matters. Helping people get back to work, making this country sustainable, protecting the environment. All of those things are what people want. I said it many times, and I’ll keep saying it. The Founding Fathers are rolling in their graves.

They’re Going to Eat Yooouurrr Baaaaiiiinnnn!!!

In conclusion, for anyone who has kept reading this (and for that I thank you), come voting day, go out and vote. Chances are, if you’re still reading this, you agree with me, and your vote counts. So many important races are tied up, 50/50, and every one of us counts. Every candidate has their flaws, as they are only human. Some of them I swear are verging on half demon, half human beasts, but they are still human. We need to put aside out social differences and concentrate on what is best for the people of this country. Do your part, get out there, vote. Vote early if you can. Because come time, each one of you reading this will be the reason we have four more years of progress, or four years of what could end in war, more struggling, and a greater distancing from the rest of the world. Do you really want someone like Romney in power? The man was laughed at across the world. Sarah Palin style. This can’t go on anymore. Make a difference. You had Hope once…keep believing for a little bit longer.

Debate!

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 22:50:59 -0400

Quick blurb about the debate. Obama brought it tonight. I was scared for a while, but over the past few weeks, Romney has said a lot of things that will forever haunt him. Tonight was no different. Anyone else catch his “Binders full of women” comment? R-Money wants to be viewed as someone who understands the middle class. Someone who will fight for the common man and not give tax breaks to big corporations. Using phrases like this kill him. His asshole smirk should be slapped off his face. How he can bring Obamacare under constant fire is beyond me when he implemented the same system in Massachusetts. I live in the goddamn state. He started with small business? Since when is Bain Capital small business?

How we can sit there and argue over something as idiotic as illegal immigration and gun control is beyond me. There are things that are much more important. Environmental regulations, foreign policy, jobs. Romney knows nothing about them. If he had his way the arctic would be full of oil pipelines, there would be an electric fence around Mexico and 47% of our jobs would be shipped to China to line the pockets of his investors while he laughs his way to the Cayman islands. How any of you that make under 200k a year back this man is beyond me. Stop being sheep. Whether you like Obama or not, Romney will do nothing good for this country. Four years of upheaval after four years of upheaval will not solve anything.

What a lying sack of crap. Obama 2012. Forward.

***Secondly, 10,000 hits! Sorry I’ve been away for so long! I’ve been so busy with weddings and stuff! I promise to get some movie reviews out stat! Taken 2 and Hotel Transylvania are on deck!***

Bacon Shortage a Bust!

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 20:42:05 -0400

We can all relax, the Global Bacon Shortage is unlikely. Read here. However, don’t take it for granted, as prices still may go up. I still hold firm to what I sarcastically said. We, as true bacon purists, need to stop the insanity. No more bacon fad. No more 100 pound cheerleaders wearing I <3 bacon shirts. You don’t heart bacon. If you hearted bacon, you wouldn’t fit in that xxs baby tee. Poser.

Now that’s more like it…

Bacon...No Longer the Other White Meat???

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 22:36:45 -0400

Folks, we have a problem. A problem of dire consequences. Something so terrible, it may change the world. Woman will gasp, children will be beaten, and middle aged, single men everywhere will weep like acne ridden, overweight teenagers on prom night. My friends, I bring to you, THE BACON SHORTAGE.

I woke up yesterday to my Facebook news feed blowing up, people posting links to my wall of this inevitable bacon famine. England posted statistics I could not even fathom, about how droughts and some crap about corn was causing pig prices to skyrocket, and with it, a bacon shortage. I didn’t want to believe it. I started going through the five phases of grief. I was sad…I was angry…I didn’t believe it. Then I laughed about it, realizing that something would be done to halt this atrocity from making it to our shores. Then…it happened. I lashed out. The route of the problem came full circle and I realized who was to blame. You. Yes, you, you filthy, bacon hipster! Let’s sit back and take a moment to reflect on how you’ve all but ruined everything good in the world.

NO ONE TOUCH MY STASH!!!

As I’ve said many times before, I hate bacon posers. I grew up plowing through bacon like most kindergarteners plow through paste. I will dare to say no one loves bacon more than I, and I will be the first to defend my title against anyone. I enjoy bacon, nay I love bacon like a close friend. Then, slowly, it happened. The bacon fad caught on, and pigs were being slaughtered by the millions so people could create bacon cupcakes, bacon sundaes, and bacon flavored condoms. You sick freaks. You disgust me. Do you realize what you’ve done??? Bacon is NOT a renewable resource! At least not at the rates we are consuming it in this unholy fashion. While we waste pigs making pork, various Subway sandwiches, and pickled pig’s feet, I’m sure the bacon boom has all but ruined the market. We can’t keep up with it. While it was fine for a while, the inevitable drought or pig riot or whatever the hell was going to happen happened, and now we are all but screwed. Pigapocalypse is knocking at our doors.

Like This But Much More Delicious

While my lashing out will do nothing, we need to work together as a pig loving community to save this valuable resource. People, hear my call. When you get the urge to make cupcakes…just use frosting. There is no need to add bacon. When you want a chocolate bar, eat a goddamn Hershey bar. When you want mayonnaise…use Helman’s…don’t use baconnaisse. It isn’t worth it. I’ll be damned if I go to an all you can eat buffet and not be able to walk away with two heaping plates of breakfast bacon because some food snob decided to make a bacon cake. You sick freak. Join together people. Lets stop this madness and get back to our roots. Bacon is for topping burgers…and putting in sandwiches…and eating with pancakes. Stop it. Stop it before it is too late. For God’s Sake…think of the children!

***This blog was written as a joke, I know the facts and know that everything I wrote above is mostly pure BS. Still, you bacon posers make me sick***

Perfect Sitcom Family!!!

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 19:34:44 -0400

So I was totally thinking of old school sitcoms today as usual and had an awesome idea. What would be your ideal sitcom family??? Copy the below and enter in your answers. Tag your friends that share our love of awesome, old school television! Anyone that doesn’t include Winnie Cooper in some way is dead to me :).

Father: Carl Winslow

Mother: Norma Arnold

Older Sibling: Samantha Micelli

Younger Sibling: Ashley Banks

Grandfather: Papouli

Grandmother: Estelle “Grandma” Winslow

Annoying Neighbor: Kimmy Gibbler

Best Friend: Waldo Geraldo Faldo

Butler: Jeffery (Obviously)

Next Door Neighbor Crush: WINNIE COOPER!

Favorite Teacher: Mr. Feeney

Least Favorite Teacher: Coach Ed Cutlip

Parent’s Best Friend Sadly Living With Us: Joey “Cut, It, Out” Gladstone

Pet: Comet

Use Your Do Over!!!

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 21:18:24 -0400

Well it’s been a bit, I’ve been super busy and I finally have a night to sit down and write. I am dvr’ing the Voice right now so I can watch it commercial free later. Eat it corporate sponsors! I toyed with a few topics for the night, but I thought I would take the serious route. Life’s been getting me a bit down lately, and I found myself, like many others, wishing they had a second chance on some things. Ever wonder what would happen if you knew back then what you know now? Jeez, would I make some changes. For one, I’d totally stalk Danica McKellar, since her choice in men is clearly horrible, I would have had quite the shot. But, alas, there is no reset button in life. No matter how much we wish it, holding down that gray button on the old school Nintendo when you fail at something in life won’t make any difference. Except when hunting ducks or dropping Mario in a pit on your last life. Old Skool Nintendo represent! So here’s a few things I’d change…

Kill YOOOUUUU!!!

Degree

I love my Anthropology degree, love love love it. I know so much random crap about random crap, it’s stupid. As I’ve said before, it’s a great conversation piece, and helps a lot while watching Jeopardy or the Discovery Channel with friends, but it hasn’t done two craps for me in my life. Yes, having a degree has helped me get a good job, but if I actually focused it in something useful, I could be much farther in life than I am now. I love computers and techy stuff. That would have been great. Politics, advertising, writing, hell even ::shudder:: business. But, alas, 18 year old Greg really wanted to dig up ancient artifacts and talk about mythology in every goddamn paper he wrote. I would go back and smack myself in the face and make myself change my major. I could still study the stuff I loved, in fact I would probably know the same amount of stuff. I just wouldn’t be mocked at job interviews EVERY GODDAMN TIME, when they ask what I was thinking when I got my Anthropology degree.

My Nephew Majored in Anthropology…You Know Where He Is? Dead.

Eating Habits

When you’re a kid, you are told to eat your vegetables, hold off on the cookies and not eat an entire pizza by yourself. A pox on that my friends. My eating habits are so terrible, the mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo would shake her head at me. Dear young Greg: “Eat a goddamn salad you fat piece of crap, it won’t kill you. No, it will not taste like delicious meat, but your colon and your heart need it.” Changing eating habits at 30 years old is like detoxing. You come to crave crappy foods. If I have a rough day, I’ll be on a Hershey bar faster than a hormonal, emotional, stereotypical girl whose boyfriend just dumped her for a supermodel. I love me some chocolate. When faced with choices for dinner, I pick meat. I don’t care how that meat comes, and my only decisions are chicken or beef, and “Can I put bacon on that”. Living this lifestyle is rough, and I am making little changes to better my eating habits so my heart doesn’t explode in a blind ball of heated grease and fury. It also requires me to work out two hours a night for at least four to five days a week so I don’t chub up again. Each day I don’t stop at McDonald’s after working out for two hours is a small victory. It’s like goddamn trench warfare, and my heart is getting boot rot. That was gross, I’m sorry, I was trying to make a World War 1 reference.

Be Thankful I Gave You This and Not the Picture for “Boot Rot”

College

This is way different from my degree. This is also the most important. I would be set if I took the time to research college and how it would affect me in my future. Firstly, I would not have went to a goddamn 110,000 dollar private school. What the hell. Student loans are the devil. I am disgusted with how this country treats its newly crowned “adults”. Now I’m not saying people shouldn’t pay for school. This is a huge debate right now, and I won’t go way into detail, but you know what would solve most of it? Education. When I was applying for colleges, my useless guidance counselor said, “yeah, this one’s good…go here”. Stupid 17 year old Greg went “Yeah! College!” and signed my life away. Student loan companies circle innocent, idiotic 17 and 18 year olds like sharks. They never explain, or at least they didn’t to me, what having student loans entail. They never told me the breakdown, or what I would have to pay when I graduate, or that these bastards would be following me around like a mortgage for a long, loooonnnggg time. If I could have a do over…just one, it would be for this. The debate and problems in this country would be all but over if kids were just taught what it meant. No one should trust a 17 or 18 year old with a decision like this. It’s horrible. The system is flawed and it has caused so much of the problems in this country right now. Everyone deserves to better themselves, n matter their background, family, or past. If someone wants to honestly give it a go, they should be educated on how. Not thrown a bunch of paperwork from some smirking a-hole probably making 15 bucks an hour to lure teenagers to their financial doom. I’m getting pissed off just thinking of it all again.

Just Sign on the Line and Leave Your Balls at the Door!

Well, that’s my beef. Could have…should have…would have. Unfortunately, my friends, life does not have a reset button, or a redo, or a gentleman’s mulligan in mini golf. I wish it did, but if wishes were like assholes, we’d all have the runs. Ha, that was good. Anyways, that’s that. One day I’ll figure it out, until then, I’m stuck here, writing a semi-famous Internet blog for the masses, eating double cheeseburgers and telling stories of Greek gods at parties. That’s right ladies, I’m single. Come and get some.

I usually don’t like making overdone memes, but my friend...

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 10:00:00 -0400

I usually don’t like making overdone memes, but my friend said something along this line earlier and I had to make it, bahahaha!

I also wanted to unleash my newest meme tonight. Fly free new...

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 21:56:30 -0400

I also wanted to unleash my newest meme tonight. Fly free new Bane Meme, set fire to the internet with your virally goodness!

I Love Lamp?

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 21:32:53 -0400

So I had no idea what to write about tonight, so I visited a random blog topic generator. I was determined to write tonight, as I’ve been slacking lately. I was trying to think of something funny, but even someone as hilarious as me couldn’t think of anything that I hadn’t already made fun of today. The GOP, Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne…Roger Clemens…? Meh…it’s all been done today. So I pulled up the generator, and it told me to write about the need for love. God dammit! That’s not funny at all. That’s actually a touchy, emotional subject for me! How dare this encrypted, endless subject generating site tell me to write about that! The internet gods are not happy with me today, my friends. Deep breath. I’ll man up. I’ll toss out a gut wrenching, hopeful, tear jerker of a blog. Maybe.

Too Easy…

The need for love. I could go on about the different types of love: love of your children, love of your hobbies, your work, crazy cat lady love, but no, I’m sucking this up. Let’s not beat around the bush. (Teehee). Relationships sucka. Let’s do this.

I’ve been in my fair share of relationships, and while they did not work out (obviously), I do not regret any of them. Of all the women I dated, two have made a dynamic impact on my life. The first was a great friend but a horrible relationship. I was mostly to blame for that, I was young and selfish and it should have ended years before it actually did. It got to the point where neither of us could barely stand to have a conversation with the other, and when the relationship ultimately ended, both of us went our separate ways and never spoke again. I often think of her, and the good times we had. My one regret was ruining one of the best friendships I ever had. The second was more recent, and what led me to the emotionless husk of a man that I am today. Again, no regrets, because I do not throw the word “love” around lightly, and I can honest to God say I experienced true love for the first time in my life. While I was deeply saddened the relationship ended, it was inevitable and for the best. I was proud of myself in that relationship, because I tried. I tried with every fiber of my being, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t the best damn boyfriend in the world. That’s true love my friends, when you go out of your way to please someone. When you can make someone happy, and that simple act means the world to you. I know one day I’ll meet the next girl that will have this same impact on my life, and the whole “omg emo emo emo” that is me right now will fade away, just like it has many times before.

DAAAWWWWWW!!!!

The lessons love taught me were all great, and I would not be the person I am today because of it. But that’s off topic. This is about the need for love. I wasn’t dodging the topic, I was leading up to it. Love is like a drug, as cliche as that is. Once you experience it, you crave it. As a man, I’m not supposed to talk about my feelings, or be emotional, or any of that crap. Poo on that my friends, poo on that. I’m one of the sappiest people in the world, a romantic, and someone who believes love finds every person in it’s own way. I grew up watching the Wonder Years, Boy Meets World, Dawson’s Creek and countless other shows that gave me inflated expectations of love. In my mind, Ms. Right would walk into me on the street one day, our eyes would meet and we would fall instantly in love. That may have happened, but after I walked into her, she cursed me out and went on her merry way. Life has a way of bitch slapping the truth into you, and while you can hope, and dream, and pray…you need to give destiny a little push. When I hit 25, and Winnie Cooper still didn’t track me down to confess her undying love for me…I kind of gave up. So I decided I needed to try more. I’m a horrible example of this, as I almost never go talk to women, or make the first move. Dammit, if you want this sexy, you got to work for it! This is 2012, women!

SERIOUSLY, WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME???!!!

I believe people need love. I believe it is a constant in every culture in the world. Whether people admit it or not, or fight it, or downright deny it, love is there, and human beings crave it. Whether you’re emotional or not, single people see the happiness and sadness of couples and yearn for it. The constant of having a significant other is unlike anything else you can experience, and it is one of the most intricate things that make us human. Dating is a horrible, horrible thing. It’s like playing the lottery. Most dates end in failure, but at least you have a story to tell…and boy do I have some stories. However, if you’re lucky enough, there is that .00001% chance that it will work out…and one date leads to another…and another…and that leads to Facebook relationship status changes…and that leads to anniversaries…and marriage…and babies…and the eventual plot of freshly groomed soil where you get to spend eternity in next to the rotting remains of your loved one! Romantic huh???!!!

Fooorreeevvveerrrr

This was a fun exercise for me…but I don’t think I’ll be using the blog generator anymore. My skills are better suited to making people laugh and reviewing terrible movies. While I do enjoy the occasional gushfest, this was rough. I do believe there is a common need for love in everyone’s life…I just don’t think it needs to be defined. Everyone goes through life differently, and hopefully along the way you will find that special someone to walk that path with. Or find lots of bacon…because we all know…

I Only Need One, Baby…

Even MORE Things That Annoy And Disgust Me At The Gym

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 22:16:00 -0400

As I’ve said before, a lot of annoying and disgusting things happen at the gym. How these people function on a day to day basis is beyond me, but what you do on your own time is your business. I would like to think when the man with the sewer cover sized man boobs eats a steak, he grunts as loud as he does when he’s power lifting. I’m not even going to imagine what the sex is like. My best bet is it includes a mirror, a weight lifting belt and a shit ton of Alli. He gets a lot more than oily discharge from that stuff. So anyways! Here is a few more atrocities that I notice on a daily basis at my gym. Hopefully (or not) you can relate to these abominations, and I’m not the only one shaking my head in disgust.

The Machine Ninja

“I think I’ll work on my abs”, I say to myself as I peel my sweaty self off the treadmill after a half hour long death run. I check out the one sit up machine we have…empty. Victory! I quickly turn and clean off my machine and skip over to the ab cruncher with happiness…lo and behold, 90 year old man reading a nook. Where did he even come from? Did he materialize out of thin air? Did the old man stork just drop me off a bundle of geriatric joy??? Nope. I’ve just been machine ninja’d. Now this wouldn’t bother me so much if the dude just did his workout and got off…but no. Machine ninjas are a wily bunch, and feel the need to read, answer text messages, or just stare longingly into the distance, reminiscing of days gone by while other people line up in utter annoyance to use their machine.

Remember That Time I Did One Situp…?

The ninja sits there quietly, doing a few reps…stopping…drinking an entire bottle of water…twenty minutes later, after everyone left in anger, saunters off to another machine to monopolize.

Band Aids

Ok, I’m Ready to Do Some Laps!

I’m a swimmer. I love swimming. I never consider it exercise. I jump on in and start swimming my laps, happier then a fish…in water…I don’t know. I dive under water and SMACK! Band Aid. Right in the face. I jump up in horror and open my eyes as an entire tide of Hello Kitty and Spongebob band aids come washing by me. Have the goddamn common decency to take off your band aid before you go swimming. The last thing I want is to have your crusty old blood smack me in my bare skin. I don’t care how much chlorine is in the pool, once a band aid hits you, it’s over. Any good that came of that day was just flushed down the toilet. That’s a dirty that just doesn’t wash off, my friends.

My pool is littered with children. My gym likes to make a supplemental income teaching swimming lessons. Usually it isn’t a problem, the occasional brown floater, the unseen tides of urine washing through the filters…but I can get past all of that. Band aids…they stay. They float on the bottom of the pool, waiting for the unsuspecting swimmer to pass by, and with a simple stroke of the arm are scooped up from the black depths of the pool’s floor and right into face range on the way back.

Gah!

Hocking Up Loogies

I Have Used SO MANY Amy Winehouse Pics On This Blog…

After ripping the used band aid off my face, I jump out of the pool in a fit of dry heaves and uncontrollable shaking. I run to the shower and scrub as I might, I’m still unclean. As I stand there, soaking in the hot water, I step in something mushy. Something…wet. I look down to see a yellow and white glob of lung butter some asshole deposited on the bottom of the shower. Then…I hear it. Like mating calls on the Serengeti, men start their deep throaty yells. I’m not sure when it became an acceptable trait in nature to deposit your lung juice in a public shower, but it has come about in full force. Expelling pounds of loogies on the shower floor, men are hacking up goo all around me. I can’t speak for the Shangri La that is the women’s locker room, but the men’s is just unbearable.

NO!

It doesn’t end in the shower. As the hot steam of the sauna fills men’s lungs…or as they brush their hair and blow dry their pubes over the sink, they expel more and more phlegm. I want to set up these dudes with a doctors appointment, because this is clearly not healthy. I would bet that half of these guys don’t even work out, they just lose weight by expelling fat directly from their air ways. Now there’s an idea for a diet…

I Came In First!!!

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I Love Lamp?

Even MORE Things That Annoy And Disgust Me At The Gym