Everyday is the fourth of July. You could have every day off from school or work if Jubilee was president. Wanna go get dinner? Boom fireworks. Bad day at work? Boom fireworks. Stuck in a two hour traffic jam? Boom fireworks. Find me one person that doesn’t enjoy a good fireworks show, and I show you a terrible human being. But no, you, faithful reader, much like 90% of the comic fans of the world, hate Jubilee. For no good reason. There are a certain number of comic characters that have been created where the writer was just bored, insane or just had a bad day and wanted to take it out on the world. M.O.D.O.K., Mole Man, Stilt Man and any character that was in Spider Man: Maximum Clonage are just a few off the top of my head.
Why Do You Hate Us???!!!
Geeks are ruthless. They have all this pent up hatred from living sheltered, torturous lives and they take it out on any poor unfortunate outlet they can find. Be it online gaming, message boards or innocent comic book characters, many have been the victim of nerd rage. Jubilee has been a victim too many times, and in my mind, it has been totally unwarranted. I can see why. You’re jealous. You wish you were/was going out with a hot girl who hangs out with the X-Men who can shoot goddamn fireworks from her hands. Her best friend is Wolverine for Christ’s sakes! But no, instead of embracing her for the awesome character she is, you hate her and make crappy, slanderous posts in anonymous message boards about her. Plus she’s the only Asian comic character that isn’t in some way a ninja! Jubilee: Breaking Stereotypes! Much to your chagrin, she’s here to stay…and now for all eternity (more on that later).
When I was in elementary school, I saw Jubilee in the X-Men cartoon and instantly fell in love. Don’t laugh, all you fellow geeks had cartoon crushes too. I’ll be so bold as to tell the Internet community I also had a crush on Gadget from Rescue Rangers. Hey! The 9 year old mind doesn’t grasp adult concepts okay?
WHY DOES THIS EXIST AS A THING!!!???
So Jubilee and I were tight. She got me to read more X-Men comics, which is a plus, which further delved me into geekdom. Soon, I was reading and watching Spider-Man, and various other Marvel titles. The rest is history. Many people laugh at Jubilee’s power, but dammit, if someone attacks me, I’d rather be able to shoot fireworks in their face than be ugly and fat(Blob), have a gross long tongue and a spinal issue(Toad) or be an uptight clown who shoots lasers out of his eyes, doomed to a lifetime of being called four eyes(Cyclops). So think before you make fun of Jubilee, if could be a lot worse. Christ, you could be Boom Boom. What the hell is that?! Make an older, skankier version of Jubilee and put her on X-Force??? Yeah that panned out well.
"I’m Goin Ta Tha Store For Some Scratch Tickets and Depends…Anyone Need Anythin?"
My love for Jubilee never waned, and soon, the X-Men video game came out on PS2 and she was voiced my none other than Danica McKellar(Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years), my lifelong crush and future wife. She doesn’t know it yet, but it’ll happen. We all know that’s why I’m really single. I’m saving myself for her. I will be the Kevin to her Winnie. Math is sexy, Danica, you can teach me long division any day. I digress. Anyways, Jubilee soon lost her powers in the comics to M-Day. I was devastated. How dare they!? Toad still kept his Goddamn powers. While she remained in the background, she would make the occasional guest appearance and they even did a very heartfelt story on her, post power loss. I could live with it. But soon things took a turn for the worse.
I Know My Calculus, It Says U + Me = Us…
One day, the Marvel writers woke up and collectively said, “how can we steal more money from our 75% male audience?” One guy raises his hand and says, “Let’s cash in on Twilight, boys ages 8-15 like that right?!” ::Applause:: The X-Men vs. Vampires story was born. I will cut the explanation of what happened, but in short, Cyclops is an asshole and Jubilee was turned into a vampire. If the world didn’t hate the poor girl enough, now the males of the comic world had that against her. If there is one thing male comic fans hate, it’s Twilight. Jubilee + Twilight = The Comic Apocalypse. Poor Jubilee is doomed forever to be a blood sucking vampire, shunned by her comic friends and geeks everywhere. But you know what? I’ll still stand up for her. She may not be able to shoot fireworks from her hands anymore, but goddamn it, now she’ll snap your neck and drink your innards. I feel bad for Jubilee and I don’t understand where the hate comes from. Maybe it really is jealousy. I’ll go with that. I would be jealous too. Damn, I want to hang out with the X-Men. Jubilee has saved their asses on many occasions too! The girl has pulled her weight! She was one of the founding members of Generation X! That even got a tv movie made of it! I know..it was horrible. But back when it was made, comics were still considered anticulture, unlike today where they bust out a new comic movie every three months. Thank you Jubilee for the upcoming Avenger’s Movie! I don’t care what you say, I stand by my comic girlfriend. You can have your Wolverines and Iron Men and Captain Americas. I won’t sell out, Jubilation Lee is the one of the best damn X-Men ever created!
Yeah, You Wouldn’t Mess With Her Either…
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