COME ON! DO IT! ONE MORE! UGH! No, I’m not starting to write a porn, those are things I heard at the gym tonight. Like most gym sessions, I get to hear this ridiculous idiocy from a steroid ridden d-bag that lives at my gym. I’m all for working out and being healthy, but this man is what? A body builder? A professional douchebag? Poster child for backne? I don’t know. What I do know is that people like this not only exist, but from what I hear, are very common at many gyms.
I started my fitness experience at Planet Fitness, which is the “Average Joe’s gym of the world. I hope you got the Dodgeball reference. I love Planet Fitness, however I left there because the gym I joined has a pool. A pool = happiness for me. I go to a high scale gym now I guess, which attracts people like this. I’m going to go over a few of this man’s obvious flaws as a human being.
1.) His Clothing. This man was literally sent home from the gym one day because he was wearing shorts that didn’t even qualify as underwear. As he proceeded to start his workout on the elliptical machine, his steroid ridden, shrivelled up junk rubbed back and forth before my eyes. This moment confirmed to me that I was not gay. As I attempted to not vomit, a gym employee went up to him, and after a brief angry altercation, he left. He also wears a purple shirt-thong. Just enough to cover the middle of his chest, but still reveal his sewer cover sized man breasts. Not attractive. The shirt also reveals his acne ridden back, clearly from overuse of steroids. I am sympathetic to anyone with real medical problems, this is not the case with him.
2.) His Overall Appearance and What He Thinks of Himself. In his mind, this man is Adonis. He spends as much if not more time checking himself out in the mirror and strutting around like a big breasted peacock than he does working out. This man flexes his man titties more than Arnold Schwarzenegger over a old immigrant maid. This is all fine and swell…but the part that down right scares me is his waist. Underneath his rippling six pack lies the smallest waist I have ever seen on a human being. I swear the only reason he can hold up his body is due to the fact he wraps a Gold’s Gym weight belt around his torso. I would love to see him get caught in a large gust of wind and just snap at the midsection. Eat a cheeseburger you clown.
3.) His General Dislike of Anyone Else at the Gym. I could get over the fact that he’s a creep and hits on any woman within the gravitational pull of his biceps, but he is such an ass to any guy there, save his three dude friends that are just as bad as him. He will pull out his headphones, which I imagine to myself are blaring MmmBop or something to that nature, and fist bumps the hell out of them. Gives the dude nod and gets back to business. The guys from Jersey Shore would turn their noses down on this man. I’m sure he would just call them pussies and glare at them with his sunken in eyes. The man looks like a roided out raccoon. Whenever I find myself near him, and he’s lifting, he screams at the weights, to let them know “You’re my bitch, and if you don’t let me lift you, I’m doing to punch you in the face and nail your wife.” I know people grunt and all that when they lift, I’m told it helps, but this is unnecessary. Everyone on that floor stops what they’re doing to look at him. I’m sure he loves the attention and thinks everyone is jealous.
I know every gym has at least one, and if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have gotten to write this blog. I’m sure his neanderthal brain can’t comprehend a computer, or the English language beyond “Jager”, “weight lifting” and “Bro”, so I think I’m safe. I’m just shocked that people like this exist, and think so highly of themselves. I want to know when this man decided to become a bodybuilder rank with douchebaggery. However, I’ll keep my distance from him and just nod my head when he glares at me, as I’m pretty sure one punch from this man would turn my cranium into a fine red mist. Keep it up, bro, lookin’ sweet.