I have little to say about this arc.  So far it has been uneventful and disappointing.  All I can say is if Cyclops doesn’t die at the end of it, I may stop reading Marvel.  That’s a lie.  I love Marvel.  But Cyclops still needs to die.  If anyone is a bigger douchebag in the Marvel universe, I have yet to see him/her. 

Reasons Why Cyclops Sucks:

Your first wife died and you did nothing to even remotely try to save her.

 She loved a short, hairy Canadian with a drinking problem and an outdated catch phrase more than you. 

Seriously, he wears plaid shirts.  Al Borlean stole your girlfriend/wife.

You have no personality or charisma yet you lead a team of super heroes.  No wonder the world hates you and your “people”.

Your second wife cheats on you with a dude that smells like canned tuna.

Your optic blast is the stupidest mutant power and does nothing.  You continuously get the snot beaten out of you.

Your ruby sunglasses are dumb.  Stop wearing them.

You can’t even make a jet pack look cool.

If I had a nickel for every time you yelled JEEEAAANNNN! in the 90’s cartoon, I’d be a fucking millionaire.

You optic blasted Captain Fucking America for no good reason.

In the Age of Apocalypse, where everybody looks and acts more badass, you have a look that is reminiscent of Kris Angel and Justin Beiber.  With one eye.  Douche.

Your own son despises you.

You refused to let Deadpool join the X-Men, probably because he is ten times cooler than you.

You whine about EVERYTHING.  Professor X should have mind melted you back in the 60’s when he had that weird crush on Jean Grey when she was 15 and he was like 70…but anyways, he probably would have stole her from you too.

You suck.

I’m sorry, I really hate Cyclops.  Jubilee is ten times better. 

Nuff’ Said!

This won’t take long.  I’m still astounded at what just happened.  Did you watch the season finale of Glee?  I did.  I want to track Ryan Murphy down and punch him in the face.  In a good way.  Not only did he have us all going with what was going to happen next season, we were all led to believe everything was going to be wrapped up in a neat little package.  It’s like he adopted a puppy.  He let that puppy grow up.  Fed that puppy.  Played with that puppy.  Patted that puppy.  Then he ran over that puppy with his SUV and beat the bloody corpse with his fabulous pink baseball bat.

No, I’m Not Mad, I Always Look Like I Just Smelled Shit

New Directions won nationals!  Puck gets to graduate!  The fat, ugly, annoying girl was only in one episode!  Jeff Goldblum played a gay dad, and it had nothing to do with chaos theory!  (or did it…?)  But then the season finale happened.  For weeks, statements were released that a show within a show would happen where Rachel, Finn and Kurt all go to New York to live out their dreams.  Then Finn didn’t get into his school…then Kurt didn’t get into his school…then Rachel did.  Wait, what?  Ok, that’s fine, they can all still go together.  Burt Hummel just did the single ladies dance, now anything can happen.  But then Finn “let Rachel go” and she gets on a train to New York.  Alone.  Fade to Black.  WHAT.  WHAT THE HELL.  No wrap up for Santana?  No wrap up for Finn and Kurt?  The army?  WHAT???  I JUST got on board for Finnchel…and I was just starting to tolerate the existence of Lea Michelle as a human being.  For years, the much more talented Jenna Ushkowitz stood in her shadow, while I gritted my teeth in annoyance.  Her humongous mouth turning every song into a show tune.  However, I started to come around to the two of them.  People cried, not me, because I was in shock.  I’m not saying this because I’m a dude, I’ll be the first to admit it that I cried when Topanga broke up with Cory and moved away in Boy Meets World.  But this.  Oh boy.

Shut Up!  The Only Reason I Keep You Around is Because You Know Vader!

I have to hand it to Mr. Murphy.  Hand it to him in the shape of a sock full of quarters which I will use to knock him out…but still hand it to him.  He played us all.  Will the storyline still commence of a show within a show?  Maybe.  But now we have to wait what seems like six years before we find out anything.  I’m pissed.  But that is what makes for good television.  I took a deep breath and compared Ryan Murphy to a good heel.  For those of you who have never watched professional wrestling, a heel does his job right by making the crowd hate him.  He entertains by making filthy, fat, hicks sporting John Cena t-shirts boo and chant “you suck”.  You caught me with my “rise above hate” hat on Mr. Murphy, and fine job.  It takes a lot for me to get emotionally invested in a show and even more to get legitimately upset about it.  So good for you.  Now we just have to wait forever to see how the hell he is going to pull this storyline out of the toilet. 

I Spend The Money I Would Waste On Dates On Replica Belts.  Who’s a Loser Now???

Many people view season four of Glee as what will probably be a disappointing end to a once great show.  Those people are probably right.  Glee definitely lost it’s luster it once had in season one and a majority of season 2.  Hell, anything that has Uncle Jessie as a guest star wins awesome points in my book.  But now the cast is scattered, story lines were left unfinished that can’t be salvaged next season and more importantly, we will be seeing much less of Lea Michelle’s monstrous mouth.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s one of the most talented girls I’ve ever seen on tv…but she just irks me.  I still have a soft spot for any of the kids on that show…and now maybe with the main cast gone, they can focus next season on the other kids who have more than proved their worth and talent this season.  Take the reigns Mr. Murphy…the ball’s in your court.

McKinley Horror Story…Hmmmmm….

File Photo

Ok, first, I want to apologize.  I got lazy.  I need to rename this blog “Every other week I’m Tumblin’” because I have been bad about updating.  I would like to say I’ve been super busy…but that’s a lie.  I have been busier than usual, however, Diablo 3 came out, and I’ve seen a bunch of good movies, so that hasn’t helped.  I was going to write a review of both, but nothing I could write would ever do either justice.  All I can say is go see the Avengers and play Diablo 3, and if you say otherwise, you’re a turd.  That is all.

Blizzard Hates You

Today I shall talk about weight loss and dieting.  Why?  Because tonight I ate an entire calzone and a giant piece of cake.  Why do I do this to myself?  Because I’m like a drug addict.  My drug of choice is food.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of the lifestyle change I have incorporated and I work out like a fiend.  I go to the gym five to six days a week for two hours or so.  However, the reason I am not a golden god is because I have no self control.

Is It Bad I’m Hungry Just Looking At This?

As I’ve mentioned before, I spent a large portion of my life as a fat kid, but three years ago, I had enough.  I joined a gym and started losing weight.  Last week I went beyond my goal.  The Doctor’s Association of Ridiculous Weight Goals tells me at 6’ tall, I should weight 185-188 as a broad shouldered human being with a penis. (I like to give my penis that three pound differential as I’m Italian, heeyyyooo).  I weighed in last week after an intense workout and found myself at 183.  Holy crap.  I did it.  After three years and 65 some odd pounds, I reached my goal.  That’s impossible, I thought, I don’t have a six pack…I have a two pack…and I still need to lose the tub around my stomach.  As my good friend Steve once said (as a former fat kid himself), “we wear that little extra weight as a trophy”.  I carry around my first place belly with pride.  For once in my life, and as much as I joke and complain about it, I’m happy with my weight.  I don’t get winded going up stairs, I don’t need a water break to run a block, and I sure as hell don’t complain about having to carry heavy objects anymore.  The lifestyle change I incorporated did wonders for my self esteem and health.

Hot

However, there is one thing I do need to change.  My diet.  I’m luckily blessed with the metabolism of a new born stallion, but I know that won’t last forever.  I crave junk food.  I love fast food.  That’s not even a strong enough statement, fast food is my dirty mistress.  Ronald McDonald is my lover and I his filthy crackhead whore.  Slip me an angus burger and a few Mcnuggets and I’ll do anything.  This needs to change.  I want a six pack just to say I did it.  I want to go to a Halloween party dressed as Ab Lincoln (thanks Ken).  I love attention (duh) and dammit I want this.  However, tonight, I ate an entire calzone and chocolate cake/ice cream.  Really?  Half of that was necessary.  I feel like I’m going to die.  I think I have a fever and I am going to occupy the toilet for about 15 hours tomorrow because of this.  My body doesn’t like when I do this…so why do I?

Legit Threw Up in My Mouth.  You’re Welcome.

A few weeks ago I turned down food my mother made and she said “What, do you have an eating disorder now?”  I’m from a very Italian family that doesn’t believe in not eating to be healthy.  If I went to my grandparent’s house today and didn’t have thirds, she would tell me I need to go to a doctor.  The one thing going for me is my genes.  My grandmother is one of 13 and luckily we all live into at least our 90’s with no history of disease or illness.  With modern medicine the way it is, I plan to live until I’m 130, at that point I will have my consciousness implanted into a super being and will take over the world.  But I have some time before that happens.

Like This But With Less Ponytail Penis

All in all I could be doing a lot better.  I just need to adjust my diet and go with it.  I just have no self control.  I need to find a way to get that.  I will go days eating healthy and working out.  I will look great, and then Saturday hits and I’ll break down, go to McDonald’s and order a 20 piece McNugget ($4.99??? How can you say no??).  It’s a vicious cycle, and one that I need to break.  I wish I could eat vegetables.  I have tried, and my body rejects them.  It knows they taste like trash and I literally get allergic reactions.  Don’t believe me?  Next time you see me, give me a piece of celery and watch my lips blow up like I’ve eaten nuts (allergic!).  I joke and say it’s because my body has been without them for so long…and it’s probably true.  I read an article on “Super Tasters” recently which stated that some people taste certain things in foods that others do not, and that’s why I’m a picky eater (paraphrased, google it lazy).  Maybe that’s it.  All those delicious vegetables you eat really taste like crap because your palate isn’t as refined as mine :)  Excuse me while I mow down on grade D meat…

They Eat Grass…We Eat Them…Did No One Watch The Lion King???

I love me some internets, it’s a great thing.  It provides us with endless entertainment, funny memes and silly cat videos.  However, since the internet became a thing, and people relied on it more and more, life got out of hand.  Things got all topsy turvey, and with most things, people ruined it.  I remember a time when the internet didn’t exist.  Growing up, I had to play with toys, use my imagination, and actually go outside.  Things were scary back then.  Nowadays, if a kid comes home and doesn’t log on to WOW, or Call of Duty, or Hello Kitty online or whatever the hell girls do, he or she is viewed as an outcast.

Sorry, I’m Just Really Happy I Just Remembered These Existed

The internet provided a place for all the normal outcasts and dregs of society to have an outlet.  These people that go through life ridiculed and humiliated at every turn have a certain rage inside of them.  Enter the troll.  These horrible people think it’s okay to put down, demean, and insult anonymously because there are no repercussions.  You’ll find them in every forum, every online video game, and every chat room.  While their complete lack of social skills and annoyance with the general human race has caused them to become outcasts in the social norm, these failures find solace in the fact that they can do whatever they want in the vast world of the internet.

Ackbar Makes Everything Better

I understand.  I really do.  While I know not all trolls and internet douchebags are angsty teenagers, a vast majority of them are.  They throw out racial slurs over the headset to their teammates.  They pound mountain dew while screaming obscenities in general chat because their dps is leet, while others may not be as good.  This concept is foreign to me.  I don’t understand the hate, or why people get so angry to the point of causing people emotional harm.  I know the whole “it’s the internet, who cares” thing comes into effect, but seriously, what’s the point?  Why do these people feel the need to do this?  What switch goes off in the human brain that causes people to think this kind of behavior is okay.  Old crotchety news people blame bad parenting, violent video games and President Obama, but I honestly don’t know.  I’ve been around son, and I’ve been through stuff just like all of you.  Let’s take a trip back…shall we?

Listen to Me!  I Have a Moustache!

Back before GPete was the sexy, GPete was the awkward, fat, and socially awkward.  GPete was the butt of 90% of his school’s jokes and every day I loathed going to school.  I sucked it up and smiled.  I bared with life, because everyone has different challenges they have to partake.  But not once did I feel the need to lash out and make someone feel like a steaming pile of feces.  You know why?  Because I know what it felt like.  I would never wish that feeling upon anyone.  I don’t know, maybe that was my super power.  Unending patience.  I’ve dealt with a lot of shit, still do, but I never gave up and I sure as shit never go online and troll the forums to anonymously trash someone’s opinion.

Just Try and Out DPS the Emperor LOL Pwnt!

I get it, kids have it rough nowadays.  I’ve hit this subject before.  It doesn’t end for kids now.  The common dork wakes up, goes to school, gets shit all day, comes home, gets shit online, then goes to bed and does it all over the next day.  In a time where “It gets better” is so ingrained in society, and suicide and bullying is everywhere in the news, I wish to pose a question.  Why hasn’t it gotten better?  Is it okay for people to play nice in school, but as soon as they get home, become the tough keyboard cowboy?  Is bullying not okay unless it’s anonymous?  Did someone forget to plug that rule?  Technicalities my friends.  No one can be nice all the time.  Hell, I know I’m not.  There’s a fine line between not taking crap and being a douchebag.  No one likes it.  No one likes you when you’re acting like a fool.  So I ask one simple thing.  If you’re reading this, and you find yourself in a position where you are going to partake in some idiotic trolling.  Think.  Stop yourself and think how you would feel.  Sure, maybe the person you’re about to unleash on is a fool.  Maybe their spelling or grammar equals that of a third grade student who ate too much paste in his earlier years.  Maybe they missed that head shot, and dude, that sucks, but it’s life.  If you’re going to get that worked up about a game, or a comment, or a meme, than you’re in for some serious disappointment down the road.  When your boss tells you a project you completed was wrong.  When a police officer pulls you over for driving 5 miles over the speed limit.  Are you going to trash talk then?  Chances are if you do, you’ll get fired, or given a more expensive ticket, or get an ass kicking.  And you know what?  You’ll deserve it.  Life is full of annoyances that can’t be solved with racial slurs and DPS meters.  You want it to get better?  Man up and be a part of the solution, not the problem.

Hello Faithful Readers!

Come visit Five and Dime Comics this weekend at the Hynes Convention Center in Boston, Ma at the Boston Comic Con this weekend!  Mention my blog and get a free print of your favorite strip!  Do your favorite Tumblr a favor and go like their Facebook page?  For me, please?  Hope to see you all this weekend!

God being 30 sucks.  I touch upon this all the time, but let me tell you, the fun just keeps being sucked out of life.  Working out starts getting harder, people expect you to have everything figured out, 401k’s become a thing and most importantly, my good looks are going to start fading!!!  This is the time when you realize most of your friends are married, have children, or are more successful than you.  I can’t complain too much, I have a good job…wait.  That’s about it.  I don’t wake up in the morning next to a stack of Gillette razorblades and enough opiates to kill a baby elephant, but it does start to suck when you think about it.

Up the Street, Pussy!

I’m not going to sugar coat it, I’m immature.  I’m immature to the point where I’m self destructive in my life.  I long for the days where waking up on a Saturday morning entailed watching cartoons and eating sugar coated cereal.  Where my only obligations were to video games and late night phone calls.  Whether I like it or not, those things start to fade away.  I still watch cartoons, way more than a 30 year old should, and I don’t even have the children to rationalize it.  Instead of Count Chocula, I eat Special K for the weight loss benefits and the fiber.  People start to move on, and the days of staying up late and going out all night become a thing of the past.  Hell, I even wake up at a crisp 8am every Saturday, like it or not.  It just happens.  I wake up during the week at 7am, which for a nocturnal being like myself is the equivalent of a morbidly obese man running a marathon.  If I could sleep until noon everyday I would be set.  It’s not that I choose to be that way, it’s how I function.  I’m a night person, and I don’t drink coffee.  Be chipper to me before 10am and you’re getting a fork to your throat.  Just sayin’. 

Pretty Much

All in all, it’s not too bad, but being the person I am, I have a routine.  I welcome change like Madonna welcomes retirement.  I have certain things I do on certain days and I’ll be damned if I change that.  This is something I continue to work on but it’s annoying.  I loathe change.  I despise change.  This makes dating especially hard.  I’m an only child and a spoiled brat…sometimes.  I will admit this.  I’m not sure when I became a heartless wreck (I can put a finger on or around the date…), but the sheer amount of fucks I’ve been giving lately is disheartening.  Maybe I just became fed up.  I’m a giver, I always have been, but the giving started to take over.  The giving overcame rational, and throughout my life, people took advantage of me.  Luckily, most of those people are out of my life.  However, there always is that little red light that goes off when I start to see some signs.  I don’t like letting people in, which is part of the reason I started this blog.  People seemed to find interest in what I thought and said, and I guess I’m pretty funny.  Okay, I’m hilarious, and I have a great ass, but who’s counting? (Me!)  Seriously, maybe that’s part of growing up, ya know?  Life isn’t like The Wonder Years, sadly enough.  Danica McKellar never reached out and asked me to marry her, no matter how many letters I sent her admitting math is in fact cool.

Since Distance Equals Velocity X Time, Let’s Let Velocity and Time Approach Infinity, Because I Want to Go All the Way With You.

So as bipolar as this post may be, and frankly, I was bored and felt like I needed to update, 30 isn’t so bad.  Mainly because this year I’m concentrating on me, which is somewhat of a foreign concept.  I haven’t focused on me for a long time.  I’m working on my book, having fun, making new friends and living.  I’m not tied down to anything, I’m not regretting things I do, and I sure as hell am not going to stop watching cartoons.  (Seriously, did anyone see The Legend of Korra? Holy crap!)  30 and I have become fast friends and as much as I would like to ditch him at the mall, he knows where I live and is sticking around for another 8 months or so…

There are very few moments of my life where I can look back and say “I am honestly happy.  Everyday.”  College was one of those times.  I look back at those ridiculous times fondly and every day I wish I could go back.  For those of you that went to college, you know the stereotypes, the jokes, and the idiocy that went on behind (and in front of) closed doors.  In the following, I am going to tell you about a few rumors you hear about college, that happen to be true.

5.) You Will Gain Weight

People joke about the freshman 15 as the curse everyone endures just by signing up for classes.  I’m not sure what it is, but the minute you walk into that cafeteria, your ass just expands.  I don’t know if it’s the cooking lard, the never ending cheeseburgers, or the gallons of booze college kids drink every day, but you’re going to gain some weight.  My freshman year I actually lost fifteen pounds, but that was purely because I did not have a constant access to cookies and saturated fat based treats as I did when I lived at home.  Unless you were on a sports team (which I was not, unless Playstation has become an intramural sport as of late…) you find yourself playing video games, sitting around, watching tv and studying (ha!)  Doing all those things is something that does not burn a lot of calories.  I may have lost weight my freshman year, but dammit, it found me come Junior year.  I also may have lost weight due to the cafe’s laxative based cooking oil that I swear gave the entire student body a fine case of the ass vomits. 

Memories ::Tear::

You also have a lot more opportunities to eat.  Everyone in college stays up very late, and most kids take up binge drinking like it’s a sport.  The later you’re up, and the more inebriated you are, “Hey, lets order cheesy bread and buffalo wings” at 2am sounds.  Not a good combo.  The laxative food is not needed here.

4.) You Will Work a Shitty, Low Paying Job

Living on a campus is cool, but making money to support your new Ultimate Frisbee and beer swilling habits is hard.  I went to college in New Hampshire, which pretty much is the south of the north.  Most colleges also have something called work-study, which allows kids to get extra tuition money while working.  Work study does not fall under the minimum wage laws.  I worked two jobs while in college, one as a TA/lab assistant for my Archaeology professor and the second as a “chef” in the cafeteria.  While I made $5 an hour as a TA, the cafe was where the big bucks were.  My weekly 35 dollar paychecks weren’t cutting it, so I applied to be a chef.  Hell, I knew how to eat the hell out of food, how hard could it be to cook it?  I guess the screening process wasn’t to thorough, so I was hired for a cool $6.15 an hour.  Rakin’ it in bitches!  I made pizzas and mopped floors.  The steam in the dish room caused me to not be able to breathe.  Not sure why, but my boss laughed and said “it does that to everyone”.  Safe.  New Hampshire.  I hated the job.  I hated the job so much I slipped pepperoni in the vegetarian pizza.  I’m not proud of this.  The problem with college jobs is that you will work for someone who lives in a college town, who generally hates college students, and will go out of his/her way to make your life a living hell.  The head “chef” was a fat, balding, dirty sack of fecal matter that used to stick his pudgy fat sausage fingers into the food and taste it.  I was eating dinner on my break one day and he told me I was one minute late coming back.  I don’t know why but that was the last straw.  I called the manager of the cafe and quit that night.  I would like to say I flipped out, I threw a pizza in his fat face or I took a dump in his stew…but no…I just kept the chef’s hat.

No, I Swear It’s Vegan…Hippie…

I hated that goddamn job, and that day marked the last time I would ever work in food service.  I like to eat food.  I love to cook food, just not in a cafeteria.  Few things suck more than getting up on a Sunday at 8am to cook omelets en mass for hungover college kids.  One of those things is getting your paycheck and realizing it’s not even enough to buy a case of Natty Ice (Yes, I heard that complaint in college, I do not know it personally as I would never drink that swill.)  No I will not make you a lucky charms omelet you fat turd.

3.)  You Will Experience Poverty

I heard a great quote the other day.  “If you mix taco bell sauce into your ramen, it will taste exactly like poverty”.  I laughed for a while then realized I, on more than one occasions, mixed the cheese sauce from mac n’ cheese into my ramen to change it up.  While working in a work study program as I touched on before, you make very little money.  Back in my day, I could get a half a tank of gas for five bucks.  But that was an hours work.  I then walked back to school, uphill, both ways in six feet of snow, wearing nothing more than a burlap sack.  I kid.  But seriously, having no money sucks.  You find new ways to entertain yourself because you have no money.  I think I watched the first two seasons of Family Guy 65 times.  I can recite the entire script from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”.  We played a lot of Ultimate Frisbee, and when we got bored with that, we invented new rules for it - like D.U.F.F. (Death Ultimate Frisbee).  Mix the rules of Ultimate Frisbee and backyard wrestling and you get D.U.F.F.  You also get a screwed up hip for the rest of your life, like myself.  Life was tough my friends, but we got by.  Now, I eat out once or twice a week, but back in college, going out to eat was like going on vacation.  When we all got together to go to the 99, or dare I say it, Applebee’s if we skipped eating for an extra day, it was amazing.  All you can eat riblets?  DON’T MIND IF I DO!

Rue The Day!

People kid about all the ramen you will eat in college.  It’s not funny, because it’s true.  I only survived because of ramen, easy-mac and Wal-Mart brand Mountain Dew.  A grilled cheese was like a fine steak.  Senior year was my own stupidity.  Someone found a loophole in the system.  If you cancelled your meal plan, the school would write you a check for $2,000 or so.  A bunch of us did that in September, laughing that we could make $2,000 last until May.  We were broke by December.  Never underestimate a college students complete inability to manage money.

2.) You Will Freak Out

I don’t mean the “OMG, my girlfriend just broke up with me” or “WTF, I failed the quiz” freakout.  I mean the whole, “I am questioning my life, my major, my existence” freak out.  The full blown, what the hell did I do freak out.  Something is going to happen where you are going to be so upset you are going to regret going to college.  You are going to regret your choice of major.  You are going to regret everything.  It is usually spurred from an academic failure.  You flunk a class, you fail a giant paper, etc etc.  But, I will tell you, it is because you are going to start to feel overwhelmed.  Many of these freak outs come either Freshman year, or Senior year.  Either because you were just thrown into something brand new, or because you think you didn’t accomplish enough or get good enough grades to make it in “the real world”  (FYI kids, that “C” in Biology 101 isn’t going to keep you from getting your dream job).  Let me tell you about my freak out.

Finally, It’s Everything I Hoped It Would Ever Be!

Without boring you with the details, I focused my degree in religion and mythology.  Much to the annoyance of my professors, I managed to turn every paper into something mythology based.  Senior year rolled around and I got to work on my thesis, in between video and card games.  Ok, I waited until the last minute, but I work best under pressure!  Anyways, I wrote my whole thesis and presented it to the three professors who I had chosen to be on my board.  The history professor I had chosen, read it, looked at me and flat our said “This is completely wrong.  This thesis, is wrong.  Here are 25 books why your thesis is wrong.”  I wanted to cry.  I did cry.  I threw a chair.  I yelled, I gave up, I cried some more and I drowned my sorrows in easy cheese and Oreos.  I had failed.  For the first time in my life, I gave up…but that’s when I realized…

I’ll Tell You When I’ve Had Enough!!!

1.) You Will Make The Best Friends You Will Ever Have In College, And They Will Be There For You Whenever You Need Them

Token College Friends!….No Pun Intended!

I stormed back into my girlfriend at the time’s apartment, sulking and full of processed cheese.  I explained what happened and that I had given up.  I’d screw the thesis, fail, but I still had good enough grades to graduate.  That’s when someone made a call to my old friend from Freshman and Sophomore year, who had transferred to another college by this point.  Unbeknownst to me, he heard what had happened, gotten in his car and started driving.  Two hours passed and the door swung open.  “YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, YOU DON’T GIVE UP.  NO ONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT MYTHOLOGY THEN YOU!”  The rant continued for about ten minutes and we got to work.  With the help of my friends, I used the books this professor had given me to prove me wrong…to prove him wrong.  This plucky little Scottish bastard drove all the way up there and singlehandedly made me pass my thesis.  Sometimes, all you need is a little help.  You will learn that. 

After college, a lot of your friends will move away, far away so that you can’t drive to see them.  They will still be there.  Especially today, with all the Facebooking and Tweeting you damn kids do.  I can hang out with these friends and it’s like no time has ever passed.  We may give each other crap, get married, have kids or do other adult stuff, but nothing ever really changes.  I know I can count on all my college friends to be there for me when I need it.  I love all my friends in their own ways, but why I think the ones I made in college were different is because we all but lived together.  Hell, I did live with some.  We saw each other at our best, our worst and all our inbetweens.  Now who’s up for some Ultimate Frisbee?

Before I start this blog, I want to make sure that everyone knows I’m making a generalized statement.  I know not everyone that owns a truck or a large SUV is a raging douchebag.  I have many friends that do, and they drive just fine.  However, over my years of driving, I have noticed that a majority of the douchiest drivers are in fact, owners of large, ridiculous automobiles.

I don’t know what it is about people that drive land boats, but they are some of the worst people I have ever known.  Not only do they think they own the road, they feel the need to ride people’s asses, cut me off, and park over multiple spots.  Now I know I’m a bit bias, being a bit of an environmentalist myself, but I see very little need to own a Hummer, a Ford Expedition or a giant ass, four door truck.  Most people that I see driving these do not know how to operate them safely and can barely see over the dashboard.  I was at the gym last week and there is a spot for “compact cars only” and a Dodge Ram 1500 was parked right under the sign.  Taking up a total of 3 spaces.  What the hell.  Where in their minds does it click that this is okay?  Do they think they’re special because they drive giant vehicles?  Does your 3.2 miles per gallon automatically give you special privileges to own the road?  No, contrary to your own belief it does not. 

Everyone Relax, I Own a Truck, Rules Don’t Apply to Me!

I am going to skip the obvious “You’re compensating for your small penis or canyon-esque vagina” joke because it’s been overdone.  If you own a large vehicle for work, fine.  Do you have three or four kids?  Fine.  Do you drive a giant SUV to hold all your guns, beer and confederate flags, because this is America and you think that giant eagle on your back window is cool?  Not fine.  Are you trying to show women how awesome you are with your fire decals above your wheels?  Not fine. 

Well Deserved.

Few things annoy me more than idiot drivers, but the audacity and stupidity that comes from people that drive giant vehicles amazes me.  My personal favorite is when they tailgate you.  I’m going 40 in a 35 and they tailgate.  Why?  Because if I slam on my brakes they will rip my car apart.  But you know what, your ass is at fault.  You should have to take a personality test to buy a large SUV or truck.  If your white tank top to normal shirt ratio is anywhere off balance, no truck for you.  If you own more styrofoam coolers than your local WalMart, no truck for you.  If you are under 5’5” and need a booster seat to ride in your F150, no truck for you.

It’s Ok, I’m Festive!

Again, I know not every person who owns a truck is a douchebag, but 90% of douchebag drivers own trucks and SUVs.  At least three times a week I look in my rear view mirror while driving to work to see the “Ford” symbol taking up 75% of my rear view mirror.  I am not a slow driver and I never drive under the speed limit.  But something about owning a truck/landboat changes you.  Douchebaggery courses through your veins because you are the biggest thing on the road.  I understand where you’re coming from.  However, next time, after you put on your blazing white sunglasses and Tap Out shirt, take a moment to simmer down. 

I visited my local Toys R’ Us the other day (Why? Because I was shopping for my imaginary children and shut up, that’s why), and I took a stroll over to the action figure section.  A majority of my childhood involved playing with action figures, so I have a special place in my heart for them.  What I saw bothered me.  Whoever is in charge at toy companies today must be the most unoriginal human being on the planet.  Not only are they recycling toys like tops and marbles, they are branding them with Asian names so kids think they’re cool.  Almost every toy has some sort of built in game so there is no need for imagination.  Each toy line also has a corresponding tv show to show you how cool you would look if you played with said toys…minus the poofy anime hair and world domination.  The tv series thing is nothing new.  I remember waking up on brisk 1980’s and 90’s days and watching Transformers and Ninja Turtles, then proceeding to beg my parents to buy me figures of the most obscure characters ever.

But Honey, Daddy Says Toys Are Against Our Religion…Much Like My Career…

I’ve known these ridiculous toys have existed for a while, but I didn’t know how many there were.  As I wandered down the aisles, I ran into Beyblades (tops), Dagedar (marbles) and Squinkies (Bullshit).  Even Lego has jumped on board with the Ninjago series.  “Put the lego dude on a top and call him a ninja!!!  GENIUS!  Suggested retail price: $99.00”.  Suckers.  Beyblades and Bakugan at least sort of look cool.  When you unfold their crappily put together pieces, they make dragons and crap.  But Dagedar…really?  REALLY?  It’s literally marbles with hastily painted on faces.  Each marble has a card with it’s special powers.  Marbles…with special powers…Unless they all include “Rolling Around in a Boring Manner” and “Getting Lost Under the Bureau”, I don’t know what to do.

Fifty Bucks for Ten Minutes of Fun!!!

What the hell happened to toys?  Not to sound like an old fart, but when I was young(er), I had Ninja Turtles, Transformers and He-Man.  Now those were toys.  Hardy toys, make of steel, lead and hard plastic.  If you nailed your friend with Grimlock he’d be out cold for a week.  That’s how you won the Transformers game.  Not to mention transforming them.  If you had a large Transformer at age 10 that you could transform without the directions, you belonged in college.  You ever look at those things?  NASA designed that shit as a joke to make children cry.  It would take a normal kid the full episode of the show to transform one dude.  Meanwhile, the wheels fell off and you snapped off the door.  Never mind points of articulation.  The Ninja Turtles were in one pose: taking a shit.  God help you if you tried to stand them up with their “I ate too many Buffalo wings orange shit” color weapons.  An advance degree in physics was necessary to line your room with them.  Remember the original Leonardo toy whose left foot was slightly raised?  Playmates hates children.  Today, even the cheapest action figures have more points of articulation than the human body.  I can’t move as well as the the Samurai Rangers.  Damn, if I moved my He-Man’s wrist around it would probably fall off.  If I sat Skeletor in his big, black walking spider his legs would snap.  I glued Rafael’s hand back on so many times when I was young, I should have passed out from the fumes whenever I played with him.

April Couldn’t Stand Because Her Real Rooted Hair Was Off Balance…That and She Was A Whore…

My point is that there is no imagination in toys today.  If I didn’t have a certain figure, I’d pretend another one was it.  Hell, I wanted to play Darkwing Duck before the toys were even released.  You know what happened?  I glued purple construction paper on Michaelangelo and we were good for hours.  Every damn toy line has a game attached and kids don’t even have to think.  Have you seen the Skylanders video game yet?  You literally plug the action figure into the game and play with it through your Playstation/X-Box/Wii.  What. The. Hell.  Go outside lard ass!  Do kids even play pretend games anymore?  Have imaginations been totally erased?  Does every toy need to have anime poofy hair for it to be cool???  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some anime, but battling with tops to save the world is not it.  If some guy challenges you with his evil top for world domination, punch him in the face.  Then what?  No one ever does that.  I’d love to see an episode of Pokemon where Ash just walks up to Team Rocket and just full out punches James in the face.  Problem solved.  “Let It Rip!” NO! UPPERCUT TO THE FACE! 

You Wouldn’t Hit a Man With Breasts Would You???

It’s geek week!  In correspondence with my good friends at Five and Dime Comics, I am going to keep the party going in the best way I can, ridicule and name calling!  The word geek is thrown around so much lately, especially with the new found fad of being a geek, which I touched upon in a previous post.  However, many people are ignorant to the fact that there are many kinds of geeks.  “But that’s impossible!”, you may say, “I’ve seen many a mouth breather, Greg, and they’re all the same!”  Nay! Faithful reader, you have much to learn.  There are geeks, dorks and nerds, many of which have their own subcategories.  I myself am a geek, and have been since I was a wee little sexy GPete.  Here are my top three favorite types of geeks:

3.) The Internet Geek

But Moooooommmm, he made fun of my Night Ellllffff!!!

This can break down into many subclasses, but I will make a generalized topic for you, so you don’t get to overwhelmed.  The internet geek is that person that hides behind a computer screen, talking in 1337 speak, peacocking around the internets to make up for everything he or she lacks in life.  This geek can be a dangerous one, as they have a tendency to take out their own life follies on the less fortunate online.  While most geeks are witty and smart, they lack the social skills to take advantage of that in the real world.  Hiding behind a keyboard helps with this, and lets the internet geek run free in the wild fields of the world wide web.  This geek trolls around forums, on World of Warcraft and other online games.  You can spot this geek making Chuck Norris jokes in the Barrens chat, or being the first one to point out your DPS is shitty compared to his 1337 facerolling hunter.

I Also Did Your Mom…Just Sayin’

This geek will take any advantage of the other feeble quiet geeks online who have yet to embrace the online douchebaggery.  These geeks are the elite football players of the internet.  While they endure the same pants ripping wedgies at school as normal geeks, they take their frustrations out online, making other people feel as shitty as they do.  This is a dangerous geek that other geeks often look down on, because nobody likes a troll.  Remember that, you acne ridden freak when you wake up sobbing in your crisco soaked pillow.  Your DPS may be better, but you will never touch the warm flesh of a female body. 

Psh, Who Needs the Prom, I Can Slow Dance with My Desktop N00b

2.) Card Game Geeks

This is Funny on So Many Levels…Although 4 Power is a Bit Much…

This is one of my personal favorites.  I’ve played every card game under the sun competitively, even Yu Gi Oh!  I know, I’m just as ashamed.  I revel in competition, and this is where it’s at.  Card game geeks are mostly nice people that are always willing to give you a pickup game.  When you play competitively, you find the ones that are too good for their own good.  They start to dwell in the Internet Geek range, and many of them double dip.  I like card game geeks because, while elitist, they are always willing to lend a hand and engage in a hour long geek conversation, even if it is to explain to you how shitty you played and why they are better than you. 

JUST ATTACK ME!!!

These geeks do love a good game, and they are fierce.  I’ve made many friends in this circle of geeks, but there are a select few that are just terrible people.  Depending on the game you play, you get a bigger range of people.  I used to be a Gym Leader for my local Pokemon league when I was 16, and I look back at that time fondly.  I taught so many kids how to play and I loved it.  Card games help kids that otherwise have a hard time making friends have a gateway to a group.  Just don’t be a douchebag.  I’m just saying. 

1.) Comic Book Geeks

Worst. Stereotype. Ever.

Aaaahhh my all time favorite.  There is honestly nothing bad I can say about this kind of geek.  They are some of the friendliest, nicest people I have ever met.  My best friends are comic geeks, and while I pale in comparison in comic knowledge, I like to think of myself as a comic geek.  A comic geek is someone that is very passionate, and will have discussions about stories, arcs or characters for hours.  Debating comic books is once of my favorite past times.  Debates such as whose power is shittier?  What is better, Marvel or DC? (Marvel) and why does everyone hate Jubilee? run rampant in comic stores and parent’s basements across the world.  The comic geek has become the most well known geek as of late, with super hero movies being cranked out faster than Wolverine titles.  While many comic geeks are not too happy with this, I embrace it.  Let the normal people have fun with it, maybe then our kind will find acceptance.  Once day we will be viewed as gods!  Not En Sabah Nur gods, but still! 

Research Was Clearly Not Done Since They’re Buying an Issue of Red Robin…

All in all, geeks are good people.  Deep down they’ve been made fun of, tormented and wedgied just like all of us.  Before you knock it, try it.  If all you’ve ever known in life is football, beer and women, pick up a comic, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Everyone has a vice, and comics are just that.  I look forward to Wednesday every week.  (New comic day to all you non-geeks).  It breaks up the week and makes the day even more special.  So next time you’re about to make fun of that acne ridden mouth breather, take a deep breath and try talking to them.  Everyone has a little geek deep within them, and I don’t mean Ant Man, heeeyyyooo. 

Damn Bubbles!