Before I even get started, I should mention I’m listening to Wu-Tang Clan while writing this review. They’re a big part of why I even went and saw TMNT. When I first saw the trailer for this new Ninja Turtles, I hated it. I wrote the movie off altogether. Then, one day, the…
So I’m on vacation this week, and my yearly tradition is treating myself to a terrible movie by my lonesome. One so bad, I would never drag someone I consider a friend to. This year, TMNT was that movie. I want to start this by saying I am not a total Michael Bay hater. I know the geek community has shunned me for this. In their eyes, he embodies the antichrist. The majority of the geek community (especially us 80’s kids) see him as the destroyer of childhoods. A man so powerful and evil, that can destroy childhood memories and hopes in a flick of his billion dollar wrist. I am not one of those people. Michael Bay makes popcorn movies. I used to hate Michael Bay. I hated Michael Bay for “ruining” Transformers. Then I re-watched Transformers, the cartoon. After that I watched the 80’s Transformers movie, and saw all of my beloved characters brutally murdered without a word for a sheer marketing ploy to sell more toys. As I saw Ratchet’s cold lifeless body on the floor of that poorly animated spaceship…I realized something…Transformers was not ruined by Michael Bay, Transformers was ruined by us developing an attention span and creative intake of ideas not fueled by sugar and flashy lights. But I digress…on to Turtles.
I did not hate this movie, but I far from enjoyed it. All of the gripes I read about on the internet: The Turtles looked terrible, Splinter was ridiculous, Shredder didn’t look anything like Shredder…etc etc …I am going to discredit that by telling anyone that uses these excuses to go back and read an Eastman and Laird comic…then watch the original TV show…then watch the original movies. Now insert your foot in your mouth and stop crying…and start listening. Here is why the movie was terrible, in reverse order of hatred of course!
If You Think This Isn’t Worse Than The New Movie, You’re The Problem
No, I’m not going to complain about how he “looked” terrible. Splinter was actually pretty cool. He kicked serious ass, and I loved how he utilized his tail while fighting. That has (to my knowledge) never been done before and kudos to whoever brought that to the table. I will tell you why he was ridiculous (and offensive). Michael Bay is known for his casual racism in movies, which is my biggest gripe with his stuff. But this dug deeper. Splinter was a plain old lab rat in this movie. No Hamato Yoshi. I can deal with that, origin stories are changed all the time. However, if Splinter was not from Japan, why was he wearing traditional sensei robes? Why was he sporting a stereotypical fu manchu? Better yet, HOW IN THE BLUE HELL DID A RAT LEARN ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT NINJITSU FROM A PICTURE BOOK HE FOUND ON THE FLOOR? Yes, I’m serious. Splinter taught himself everything there is to know about martial arts in what seemed like 2 years. 2 years! He then taught the preteen turtles the art of ninjitsu…all from this one book he found on the floor. He mastered every weapon, every fighting stance, and stereotypical Asian facial hair…from one book.
How I Met Your Sensei
I have never been a fan of Mikey. His stupid antics and skateboarding have gotten the Turtles into many messes. He’s almost useless in a fight and always gets captured. He’s the Princess Peach of the TMNT world. My personal feelings aside, he was just horrendous in this movie. All the other turtles portrayed their personas and differentiated themselves just fine, but Mikey…oh man. The logistics of this guy baffle me. Long of the short, Michelangelo is portrayed as a expressionless stoner who is way too horny for his own good. He makes more erection jokes and casual passes at April O’Neil than an 8th grade gym class. Because I take blogging seriously, I just did the footwork and researched turtle mating habits. In other words, I googled “Box Turtle Penis”. Now that I can’t eat dinner, I will put this right here. In case you can’t or won’t open the link, I’ll leave this right here:
THE FUCKING HORROR
What in the ever living shit did Mikey plan on doing with April? Of course his shell tightened! HIS DICK IS 10 FEET LONG. I’d hate to see what they would do with “Donatello does machines”. The sheer logistics of him being attracted to her don’t make sense as it is…but…but…look at that. Mikey was planning on mating and therefore killing Megan Fox. Which isn’t a bad thing because…
1.) April O’Neil
The character of April O’Neil, which has been a staple in my Turtles life, was played by the riveting actress, Megan Fox. That was sarcasm. The italic font was used to show that. If I could have written that sentence in human feces and downloaded it to the internet I would. Megan Fox spent every scene of the movie she was in out of breath. I don’t know what she was doing, but every waking second on camera she was panting uncontrollably. Walking - Panting. Scribbling down notes in the most outlandish way possible because she’s a journalist - Panting. Sneaking up behind the Foot Clan in the NY subway system - Uncontrollably out of breath. Seriously, the girl needs to get herself checked out. I don’t know if it was for dramatic effect, or if the poor woman has a serious breathing problem (which, if that is the case, I apologize profusely), but man that bothered me.
Maybe She’s Still Getting Over This…?
The real issue I had with April was her general uselessness throughout the entire movie. I consider myself a tad bit of a feminist, and when I noticed this, I thought about all of Bay’s recent movies (yes I know he was only a producer on this, but still), and noticed something. Every woman is always running away, crying, or getting captured. April O’Neil has always been a strong character, and in the recent incarnation of the show, kicks quite a bit of ass as she is being trained by Splinter herself. The old cartoon and the old comics always showed her as a fiercely independent woman who rocked a yellow jumpsuit while still whooping foot clan ass. Another weak female character was Karai, who has always been a favorite of mine. Her name was mentioned once in the new movie, and she spent almost every scene yelling or getting beaten up. TMNT has always had a plethora of strong female characters. April, Karai, Ninjara, Alopex…and…I really don’t want to mention Venus…oh God…the horror.
Why Does She Have BOOOOOOBBBSSS?????
Being 2014, I don’t think we should even have to bring this type of thing up anymore…but alas, I know better. I was saddened to see April used as nothing more than a walking sexual innuendo. Her character wanted to be seen as a credible journalist. Sadly, the writers of this movie did exactly the opposite, objectifying her boobs and ass as much as humanly possible. Will Arnett was officially the worst man I have ever seen on camera. I am literally saddened to have a penis because of this walking troglodyte and his ever present rapey face. He spent the entire movie trying to get in April’s pants, spitting out idiotic pick up lines and other jargon. If you want to watch some serious ass kicking, and want it turtle-based, watch the new Nickelodeon show, or pick up the new comic. Both are exceptional in their stories and art. Older fans will also get a kick out of the new uses of old characters and hidden Easter eggs.
Ok, Maybe I Missed This One…
So that’s my take on the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie. If you’re going to hate it, hate it for the right reasons. The movie already made a ton of money, sadly, and a sequel has been green lit. I didn’t want to give this movie money, so I used a free pass I had…however, with the current movie market as it is, these types of movies will always rake in dump trucks full of money.
I watched this video this morning and was blown away. I ponder death and life a lot. Whether you believe this message or not, the real question that was posed can move mountains when you think about it. ”What is it like to go to sleep and never wake up?” ”What was it like to wake up after never gone to sleep?”
Thank you guys for the kind words, I was not in a good mood/place last night. I appreciate it and I feel much better today. So here’s some cats in teacups.
Listen in live today at 5pm with the attached link! We will be discussing a whole bunch of random and useless stuff! Call in and leave a message or comment! 1-877-DONG-LOL
written by Peter David
art by Giuseppe Camuncoli, Michele Benevento, Dan Brown, & Andres Mossa
This is probably the greatest thing I’m gunna read for a while.
Subway and I just had a fight. A pretty bad one, too. If Subway was my girlfriend, I would’ve broken up with her and blocked her on Facebook while uploading embarrassing photos of her drooling while she slept. I went to my local Subway and asked for an egg white footlong. Subways in my area serve egg all day…except this one.
"Egg," the woman scoffed while glancing at her watch, "At this time?"
A glared at her and said, “Apparently not…”
Sorry Sir, We Ran Your Card At 10:31, Give It Back.
I ordered a footlong oven roasted chicken breast, and when I asked for black pepper and buffalo sauce, she must have had it in her mind to “Pile it high!” like their raunchy veggies, as the sub was a black and red soup by the time she was done with it. I then paid $12! for that, a bag of baked lays and a watered down HI-C. What the hell Subway.
Pile High The Sadness, Please
This brings me to the stigma of our society of serving breakfast foods after a certain time. Who in the blue hell decided you can’t eat breakfast after 10:30 am? If I had the option, I would eat breakfast all day, everyday. But no, our society placed a firm timely cockblock on my happiness.
Ha, Get It??? GET IT????
I have a certain weakness for fast food, which is why I will only ever have a 2 pack and not a six pack, no matter how hard I work out. My weakness in life is McDonald’s breakfast. If I die and go to heaven, I picture it as white clouds covered in endless bacon, egg, and cheese’s firmly between their delicious, buttery biscuits. I would eat forever, and never get full or gain weight. Sadly, McDonald’s ends their breakfast time at 10:30, not a minute later. No one wants to be up and about that early unless you’re going to work, or have errands to run. No one.
I never understood why McDonald’s ends breakfast so early, if at all. I understand it’s hard to cook multiple items on two menus at a time, but think of the profits! EVERYONE wants your breakfast. If you say otherwise you’re a goddamn communist. Every person I have talked to about this subject loves something on their menu, vegetarians, vegans, meatatarians, it doesn’t matter.
Zero Meat In This, So Shut Up And Eat It.
So this dream goes out to the internet, and I humbly implore, nay, I come to you on hands and knees, your humble customer and bard of your breakfasty goodness, to offer your breakfast all day. The heavens will sing as your mcmuffins fill the lands with their tasty greatness. Hash browns will flow like wine. I will be happy. My friends will be happy. America will be happy. You are the last bastion of hope in the fast food breakfast market. Burger King’s breakfast is a soggy mess of broken souls. As I’ve covered before, Taco Bell was a broken dream laden with disappointment and despair. Wendy’s? Please. Make it right Ronald, spread your smile. I would love it.